Category: Abuse Survivors

Rule #5 Do not fix, care take, mend, or use any kind of psychological tools to change a Narcissist

…  This excellent post is courtesy of the Echo Got Her Voice blog at https://howechogothervoice.com

Echo Got Her Voice

AGAIN I REPEAT: Do not go to fixing, helping, and explaining. Ns will suck you in. This will result in basically explaining away all of their negative treatment. Receiving help from me was typically used in this manner. George K. Simon discusses in his book regarding dealing with disturbed characters, “Help is not chasing after someone to give them something we think is of value even when they haven’t asked for it and show no appreciation for it.” He goes on to explain that in offering help to someone who shows no willingness to change and has probably already heard the same thing many times, we inevitably end up in a position to be hurt and increase their ability to continue their bad behavior.

I choose men that need my help. According to my therapists, I fear real intimacy. The therapists say I feel unworthy of it in my own…

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Breaking the Codependency Myth: The Power of the Trauma Bond — Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

Breaking the Codependency Myth: The Power of The Trauma Bond by Shahida Arabi “Free” by Alice Popkorn via Flickr. Creative Commons License. Ever had a victim-blamer claim you were “codependent”? That you in some way deserved the abuse, or that it was your fault? Let them know: codependency was a term historically used to describe […]

via Breaking the Codependency Myth: The Power of the Trauma Bond — Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

Copyright Shahida Arabi. Our thanks go out to Shahida Arabi for allowing this to be shared here.

 

Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A New Diagnosis? Awesome article at Medical News Today

I really wish that I could repost this entire superb post about Narcissistic Abuse and the affect on their Victims. I’ll give a couple of excerpts, so you can get a taste of their article.

in the case of Jamie, whose husband makes her recite every day, “I’m only worth 29 cents – the price of a bullet,” he erodes her self-worth to nothing to keep her under his control. Who else could possible want such a worthless woman as she? With that belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day after day …

No matter which type of Narcissist he is, the end result is the same – a slow, insidious, breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until there’s next to nothing left, at which point, the narcissist will frequently throw his partner out

Just click on the following line/link to visit the Medical News Website to read their extremely well written post titled: “

Narcissism Victim Syndrome, A New Diagnosis?”

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/10872.php

After the betrayal of Narcissistic Abuse…

Lisa A. Romano wrote:

If you’ve loved a narcissist, you may feel completely exposed and turned inside out. The pain is unlike any breakup you’ve ever experienced because it feels like these people have been able to infiltrate every cell of your being. Even though intellectually you may feel you need to end the relationship, on a cellular level you seem shaken to your core.

Symptoms of narcissistic abuse are shock, betrayal, confusion, depression, rage, anger, irritability, low tolerance for noise, and mindless conversations. You may find yourself wanting to be alone. You don’t feel like anyone could ever understand your pain. You may have trouble sleeping, eating, or thinking straight. Sometimes we experience physical symptoms, like upset stomachs, hair loss, and various other stress related acute responses.

Loving yourself after Narcissistic Abuse can be challenging, but its essential.”

Video is courtesy of the Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. YouTube channel

The hardest to bear is when others do not believe you when you share what the Narcissist did to you.

Most people will never understand that which they have never gone through.

They can thank their lucky stars, that they have not experienced the abuse and devastating betrayal of a Narcissist.

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After Narcissistic Abuse. Personal insights from a Victim of Narcissist Abuse.

Laura has been through the emotional roller coaster of a relationship with a Narcissist. Her video offers many helpful insights.

She speaks about “now being able to spot” the Red Flags displayed by Narcissists and “understanding their Game“. IMHO that is extremely important. When one starts seeing multiple Red Flags on a consistent basis, then one has a much better idea of who (or what) they are interacting with. Knowledge gives one the power to make informed decisions, including whether to get into a relationship with a potential Cluster-B Disordered individual such as a Narcissist.

It was interesting to note that her Mother was Narcissistic. There does seem to be a connection between women who attract Narcissists and the fact that they were brought up by a Narcissistic Mother.

Video is courtesy of the LauraBlue YouTube channel

It confirmed how damaging Narcissists can be, when you hear this Victim of Narcissistic Abuse, speak about her negative self talk and feelings of “not being good enough”.

Daughter of a Narcissist

Really good video about the serious repercussions of growing up as a daughter of a Narcissist Mother.

The title of this video is striking. Daughters of a Narcissist Mother lose out on so much of their childhood and teen years. The Narcissist Mother’s parenting has setup the daughter for an Adult life with a Narcissist for a husband.

The Daughters are in a way “Bred” to marry a Narcissist. Such a potentially sad waste of an innocent life.

Video is courtesy of the
Support for victims of Narcissism YouTube channel

Click on this line to visit a blog run by the woman who created the above video. This blog is called “Narcissism Survivor“.

The woman who created the above video also runs a Google+ blog titled “Support for Victims of Narcissism“.

If you grew up with a Narcissist for a Mother, please visit this lady’s blogs (especially Support for Victims of Narcissism) and watch her YouTube channel videos.

UPDATE – found yet another blog run by this lady. Click on this line to visit her site called 30 Year Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse: Making Sense of It All.

When a Victim of Continued Domestic Physical and Emotional Abuse Commits Suicide, the Abuser can be charged with “Depraved Heart Murder”.

Click on this Link to visit The Huffington Post to read their article titled: “Man Charged With Murder For Allegedly Driving His Partner To Suicide.

Click on this link to learn more about depraved-heart murder, also known as depraved-indifference murder charges.

If you are being abused, you can get Compassionate and Confidential Support. In the U.S.A., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). That is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

 

After they Isolate you, then they can start the Physical Abuse

Click on this Link to visit the Healthy Place website to read their post titled “Isolation and Domestic Abuse: How Abusers Isolate Victims“.

The most striking thing about Physical Abuse is that victims were first “Isolated”.They moved out of New York City to some small town. They moved to a remote cottage. They married and lived in another part of the country, away from the Victim’s family and Friends. The Victim was emotionally restrained from going away to visit with Friends and Family. The Victim’s Father was dying in the Hospital and yet the Abuser would not let the Victim leave to be with her Father.

Abusers cannot control a Victim from a distance. Abusers maintain their power and control over the Victim, by enforcing the Victim’s silence. If the Victim visits their family, they might speak of the horrors being done to the Victim. Once the abuse is out in the open, the Abuser starts to lose much of the power and control over their Victim.

The abuser will present tons of semi logical excuses for moving the Victim away from their Family and Friends. They will start a new life together…BS…more BS…some more BS….and even more BS.

When the Victim has no one else to help her, she becomes totally dependent on the Abuser. To make the situation worse, the Abuser may become the sole income earner. Rather hard to leave when you have no money.

Isolation is a Major Red Flag. If you do not allow yourself to become isolated, then you will not become dependent on your Lover and potential abuser. Note that the abuse does not start until the victim has been isolated.

Learn about the Red Flags displayed by Disordered Individuals. Then watch for them.

The more Red Flags that you spot, the more questions you should have of the individual displaying those Red Flags.

She loved him, even after he had held a loaded gun to her head

Your lover punches you in head. Your Lover pushes you down a flight of stairs. Your Lover threatens to kill your dog. Your Lover puts a gun loaded with Hollow Point Bullets to your head and threatens to pull the trigger.

How hard can it be to leave such a violent relationship? Extraordinarily DIFFICULT.

Just ask Leslie Morgan Steiner. She would not leave because she “Loved him”.

In my opinion she loved the false persona which she met at the very beginning of her relationship. That Brain Washed and Psychologically Manipulated her. The beginning of a relationship with a Disordered individuals is commonly called the Love Bombing phase.

It worked on Leslie. The following are her words about the man who did all those horrible things to her: “No one in my life had ever made me feel so safe, loved, beautiful and validated as he did during the early months of our relationship.“. Leslie was disconnected from reality. She dismissed the abuse and remained focused on the Prince Charming act she was given during the Love Bombing phase.That is the result of Trauma Bonding.

Click on this link to visit The Washington Post and read the article written by Leslie Morgan Steiner describing why she stayed in a horribly abusive relationship.

You can email Leslie Morgan Steiner at leslie@lesliemorgansteiner.com

Click on this link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner website.

Click on this Link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page.

Click on this Link to visit Amazon.com to learn more about Leslie Morgan Steiner‘s book titled “Crazy Love”.

Why Abuse Victims stayed

When you watch this video, note the Red Flags (like Love Bombing and Isolating the Victim and making the Victim dependent on the Abuser) which appeared “prior” to the physical abuse starting.

This video features Leslie Morgan Steiner, Beverly Gooden, Kit Gruelle, Mildred Muhammad who were Victims of Physical Abuse. They address why they had stayed in the Abusive Relationship. Kudos to these Brave Women for sharing their stories.

Video is courtesy of the Markay Media YouTube channel

Learn about and then watch for the Red Flags displayed by Disordered Individuals. The more Red Flags displayed, the more questions you should be asking about the individual displaying those Red Flags.

Click on this Link to visit the Why We Stayed Twitter page.

Click on this line to visit the Kit Gruelle website.

Click on this line to visit the Mildred Muhammad website.

Click on this line to visit the Beverly Gooden website

Click on this line to visit the Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page

Why domestic violence victims don’t leave by Leslie Morgan Steiner

In this TED Talks presentation Leslie Morgan Steiner explains “Why domestic violence victims don’t leave”.

Leslie Morgan Steiner says that she was in “crazy love” — that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life.

The video is courtesy of the TED YouTube channel

The relationship started out, by the Abuser Love Bombing her. She called it to Seduce and Charm the victim. Her future Abuser Idolized her and she stated that that he “believed” in her. Note that she uses the term “Soul Mate”. Watch for those Red Flags, they may be extremely important to your future health and well being.

Next the victim is isolated. She was moved away from her friends and family.

About a week before she married her Abuser, he choked her and bashed her head into a wall. When the bruises on her neck cleared, she went ahead and married her Abuser.

She got the “I’m sorry” story and that it would never happen again. She did get Abused again, and on a regular basis.

Trauma Bonding, in my opinion, kept her in the relationship. Listen to the language which she uses to describe her Abuser.

There is something else which kept her in that Abusive Relationship. That was her “Silence” about it. I know that statement may not sit well with some readers. Listen carefully at the end of the video, where Leslie Morgan Steiner clearly states that the end of her Abuse started when she “started talking about it”.

She talked to the Police about it – very very important first step. She talked to the neighbors about it. She talked to all her friends and family about it. The key is that she “Talked About It“. She let people know that she was being Abused and people helped her. If someone does not know about your abuse, then they cannot help you. “Talking about her Abuse to others”, helped to break her bonds to the Abuser

Talking about your Abusive Relationship to “everyone” Is the Major Message of this video. No one deserves to be Abused. Abusers program those being Abused “Not to Tell“. When one stays quiet about being Abused, they are giving power over themselves to the Abuser. Abuse is about having power and control over someone. Abusers want those being abused, “to keep their mouths shut”. As soon as one tells others about being abused, their Abuser loses all of his or her power and control. Saying something about being Abused could help to set the Victim free.

Click on this Link to read a prior post about a female being turned into a Human Torch because she dared to leave a Disordered Individual. She was burned alive because the guy “didn’t accept being abandoned”.

Note also the major Red Flag indicated by the abuse that her Abuser had apparently received from his Step Father from the age of four. Major Trauma suffered by an infant and a young child is IMHO a Major Red Flag that such an individual could be a Disordered Adult.

Those Red Flags could be extremely important. Learn about them and then watch for them. The more Red Flags that show up, the more questions should be raised about the individual displaying those Red Flags

Click on this link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner website.

Click on this Link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page.

Click on this Link to visit Amazon.com to learn more about Leslie Morgan Steiner‘s book titled “Crazy Love”.

Animals do not physically abuse one another, as some Disordered Humans will Physically Abuse the person that Loves them more than anyone else on the face of this Earth.

You do not know when someone is keeping silent about the Abuse they are receiving from their Life Partner.

I believe that if the Abused Victim starts telling people about what is being done to them, then people will try to help them. Speaking about the abuse is the first important step to becoming free of it. They need Help taking that first step. Not a put down. Their Abuser has programmed into their Mind to “Do not tell”.

I was amazed at how well Love Bombing worked, especially how deep into the mind of the Victim it went. I had never before considered Love Bombing to be another approach to Mind Control and Mind Programming. The females who were being physically abused, focused on the person that they met during the Love Bombing phase. That was who they lived with, an Imaginary Persona. That is major Psychological Manipulation, yet it was accomplished easily and without stealth.

The battered and abused women were “very highly educated” and high income earners. Yet the educational system failed them, by not informing them of the Red Flags given off by Disordered individuals. They were Love Bombed and had no clue what was happening. They were then isolated from friends and family and had no clue what was being done to them. Major Red Flags, which they knew nothing about. Once you are committed to a relationship and the Abuse starts, it’s too late to be looking for Red Flags. You’ll be too busy looking at the red welts and bruises all over your body.

They could not mentally connect the person physically abusing them, with the imaginary person that they were exposed to at the very beginning of the relationship. The Abuser is able to establish a disconnect with reality. That is the result of Trauma Bonding. Victims feel the Abuser punching them in the head, but dismiss it and focus on that he was such a Prince Charming when we met.

The next few days after the physical abuse, the Abuser may pretend to be remorseful and state that it will never happen again. This cycle of dreadful physical violence followed by BS acts of Love and Kindness, messes up the Brain Chemistry of the Victim and establishes Trauma Bonding.  Some victims are made to think that they were at fault and deserved to have been beaten by the Abuser.

Animals do not physically abuse one another, as some Disordered Humans will physically abuse the person that Loves them more than anyone else on the face of this Earth. That Physical Abuse will be repeated and repeated without an end it site (up to the death of the Victim).

What an incredibly Horrible way for the Victims of Domestic Violence to live. Little did that beautiful newborn baby know what crap life had in store for it, when it grew up to be an adult…

Learn about the Red Flags. Watch for them and hopefully you might not end up being a victim of ongoing Domestic Violence and Abuse…

While having a home security system installed, woman finds her ex under her bed

The woman dated the man for about two years. She ended the relationship after she learned about her lover’s lengthy Criminal Record. Ask yourself,  what kind of person would hide another life, from someone they were in a long term relationship with?

When their relationship was ended by the female, the male (as per the article and apparently per Police Documents) had informed her that was going to kill her. This is someone this women spent two years with.

Some people do not like being abandoned. What kind of person might that be?

It is a sad read, but just might provide some insights.

Click on this link to visit The Washington Post website to read the article.

Watch for those Red Flags…

Florida Mass Shooting also has insights

Click on this line to read the Mail Online news article (UK based News).

Scroll down the article. About 1/2 way down there are four photos of a cute female. One photo is of a female in a white T-Shirt with Give Peace in large red letters (I suspect that was a John Lennon quote “Give Peace a chance”). In that area they are posting about what the shooter’s ex-wife said.

MAJOR Red Flag – his ex-Wife said that they met online and within weeksdecided to get married. It takes months and sometimes years to get to know someone. Within weeks you really have no clue who or what you are going to marry IMHO.

His ex-Wife moved away to live with her new Husband. That to me is another Major  Red Flag. She was being isolated, by being taken to another State far from any possible support from friends and family.

She apparently started to receive Beatings. That Physical Abuse apparently started within months of their wedding. Like I stated above, to decide to marry someone within weeks of meeting them, is plain asking for trouble. IMHO, one has no clue who or what they are going to marry within only a few weeks of the first meeting. Your mileage may differ.

His ex-Wife’s parents learned that she was being physically abused. They flew down to Florida and removed their daughter from where she and her husband were living. They left all her belongings and left. His ex-Wife went total No Contact. Divorce was handled by Lawyers. Her husband apparently tried to make contact. His ex-Wife maintained No Contact.

Major insight. No Contact did what it was supposed to do, in this case it protected the ex-Wife from potential future physical abuse and emotional harm.

His ex-Wife states in the article that she believes that her parents had literally saved her life.

Click on this line to read the Washington Post article about this event. That Washington Post article was referenced by the Mail Online article. It has bits of info, but the Mail Online article presents key insights.

I feel sorry about the loss of life from the Florida Shootings. But I think from the perspective of this website, this is a story within a story. The mail Online article to my mind only, proves how important Red Flags can be. The article also proves in my mind only, how important it is to go No Contact and especially where there was physical abuse, to stay No Contact.

His ex-Wife is lucky, that she had confided in her parents about the apparent Beatings she was receiving. That is another insight from this. One should inform family and friends when there is any kind of physical or emotional abuse. Friends and Family can help. Superb Parental Action to immediately fly down and take there daughter away.

Major Life lesson. Learn about the Red Flags and then watch for them.Seeing multiple Red Flags means something. Knowledge gives one the power to make better choices in life.

Continue reading

Florida Mass Shooting also has insights for visitors

Click on this line to read the Mail Online news article (UK based News).

Scroll down the article. About 1/2 way down there are four photos of a cute female. One photo is of a female in a white T-Shirt with Give Peace in large red letters (I suspect that was a John Lennon quote “Give Peace a chance”). In that area they are posting about what the shooter’s ex-wife said.

MAJOR Red Flag – his ex-Wife said that they met online and within weeksdecided to get married. It takes month and sometimes years to get to know someone. Within weeks you really have no clue who or what you are going to marry IMHO.

His ex-Wife moved away to live with her new Husband. That to me is another Major  Red Flag. She was being isolated, by being taken to another State far from any possible support from friends and family.

She apparently started to receive Beatings. That Physical Abuse apparently started within months of their wedding. Like I stated above, to decide to marry someone within weeks of meeting them, is plain asking for trouble. IMHO, one has no clue who or what they are going to marry within only a few weeks of the first meeting. Your mileage may differ.

His ex-Wife’s parents learned that she was being physically abused. They flew down to Florida and removed their daughter from where she and her husband were living. They left all her belongings and left. His ex-Wife went total No Contact. Divorce was handled by Lawyers. Her husband apparently tried to make contact. His ex-Wife maintained No Contact.

Major insight. No Contact did what it was supposed to do, in this case it protected the ex-Wife from potential future physical abuse and emotional harm.

His ex-Wife states in the article that she believes that her parents had literally saved her life.

Click on this line to read the Washington Post article about this event. That Washington Post article was referenced by the Mail Online article. It has bits of info, but the Mail Online article presents key insights.

I feel sorry about the loss of life from the Florida Shootings. But I think from the perspective of this website, this is a story within a story. The mail Online article to my mind only, proves how important Red Flags can be. The article also proves in my mind only, how important it is to go No Contact and especially where there was physical abuse, to stay No Contact.

His ex-Wife is lucky, that she had confided in her parents about the apparent Beatings she was receiving. That is another insight from this. One should inform family and friends when there is any kind of physical or emotional abuse. Friends and Family can help. Superb Parental Action to immediately fly down and take there daughter away.

Major Life lesson. Learn about the Red Flags and then watch for them.Seeing multiple Red Flags means something. Knowledge gives one the power to make better choices in life.

Domestic abuse survivor speaks out to help victims

Police wearing body cameras capture the result of a horrific beating a woman had received. Because of the body camera video, the husband who beat his wife was charged and convicted and is now serving a 10 year jail sentence.

Yes he is in jail, but has justice been served? He gets free Room and Board for 10 years, with 3 meals a day cooked for him. Just look at the woman’s face in the screen capture pic. She had been getting this kind of abuse for 10 years. Absolutely sickening.

Is the photo below showing you, your future?photo of a female victim of domestic abuse with both eyes blackedPhoto of Gale Marmoy is a screen capture (which we made) from the Police video

Her husband had apparently been beating this woman for about a decade before being convicted. Clear example of Trauma Bonding or Stockholm Syndrome on the part of the victim.

If you are presently in an abusive relationship, then seek out the Police and your Health Care Professionals to help you to get out of that abusive relationship before it “Kills You“.

Abuse is real. Being abused is not the fault of the victim. Trauma Bonding is very real, but those bonds can be broken with the help of your Medical Professionals.

No one deserves to be abused.

Watch the video to see how cool he was when the Police arrived at his door after he beat his wife. IMHO he displayed Psychopathic traits. It was bizarre how he calmly asked his wife (whom he called Dawn) if she wanted to speak to the Police. It was as if nothing had happened to give a reason for the Police to have shown up. As if he had done nothing wrong.  If the Police had not come, he was not going to call his wife an ambulance or take her to the hospital.

What kind of person could be so Heartless and lacking in Empathy, to behave in this manner? Well lets see, a Malignant Narcissist in a rage and of course a Psychopath could do extreme damage to someone in the blink of an eye. Afterwards they could even blame the victim. Such disordered individuals lack Empathy for the suffering of others.

It boggles my mind how someone could do something like this, yet sadly it happens all too often.

Video is courtesy of the OfficialHantsPolice YouTube channel

Click on this line to read a news article about the events discussed in the video above.

Special Thanks go out to Christine Louis De Canonville who’s Google Plus page spoke about this event.

Quotes from Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

Quotes from the hearts of those who have been and sadly done that.

The post on the ladywithatruck.com could help abuse survivors realize that they were not alone. Others have gone through similar trials and tribulations, with their own Narcissists.

Some excerpts from the ladywithatruck.com post are as follows:

“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behavior others often stood by and inadvertently fueled his denial”

“Now he is getting in touch again and I don’t know why (he loves me, more use out of me, to hurt me – but why??) and I am a wreck. He knows my buttons and he pushed them with finesses. I still feel the pull and though I consciously know he’s an asshole (sorry) and I am disgusted and furious,”

“Charming, seducing, angelic…..and lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it’s our fault that we tolerated their abuse”

“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process.”

It is really sad reading of the misery which a Narcissistic Abuser can cause. I believe that there are two benefits from such quotes from Survivors.

First of all the Survivor benefits by putting in writing (so to speak) what they feel inside. In a way it is like talking about it to a friend. Getting it out, can help in the healing process.

Secondly the readers benefit. Survivors can confirm that others had gone through similar situations. They may no longer feel isolated. Some may feel ashamed that they had been used and abused. Anyone can be fooled by an expert in emotional manipulation techniques. You are not weak or gullible. Actually your kind heart makes you an amazing Human Being. Unfortunately, it also attracts Narcissists.

If you haven’t already, click on this line to visit the post on the ladywithatruck.com website titled “Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse – QUOTES FROM SOME VICTIMS

It is not only the quotes which can be insightful. Scroll down that posting to view the comments section.

“Letter to his Father” written by Franz Kafka, details abuse by a Narcissistic Father.

Sigmund Freud released his essay “on Narcissism” in 1914.

Click on this line to view Freud’s Concept of Narcissism* by Sergio Benvenuto.

A few years after Freud released his essay, Franz Kafka wrote his Letter to his abusive narcissistic Father in 1919. The letter was given to his mother, who refused to pass it on to his father and returned it Franz.

De Kafka Brief an den Vater 001Franz Kafka [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Wikimedia Commons has Jpeg photo files of all 104 pages of Kafka’s original letter draft. Click on this line to visit the Wikimedia Commons page to view their files. Note the letter was originally written in German.

The following are only some of the heart wrenching quotes from Kafka’s Letter to his Father:

“It is also true that you hardly ever really gave me a beating. But the shouting, the way your face got red, the hasty undoing of the suspenders and laying them ready over the back of the chair, all that was almost worse for me. It is as if someone is going to be hanged. If he really is hanged, then he is dead and it is all over. But if he has to go through all the preliminaries to being hanged and he learns of his reprieve only when the noose is dangling before his face, he may suffer from it all his life.

“Besides, from the many occasions on which I had, according to your clearly expressed opinion, deserved a beating but was let off at the last moment by your grace, I again accumulated only a huge sense of guilt. On every side I was to blame, I was in your debt.”

“You have always reproached me (either alone or in front of others, since you have no feeling for the humiliation of the latter, and your children’s affairs were always public)”

“There is only one episode in the early years of which I have a direct memory. You may remember it, too. One night I kept on whimpering for water, not, I am certain, because I was thirsty, but probably partly to be annoying, partly to amuse myself. After several vigorous threats had failed to have any effect, you took me out of bed, carried me out onto the pavlatche,* and left me there alone for a while in my nightshirt, outside the shut door. I am not going to say that this was wrong—perhaps there was really no other way of getting peace and quiet that night—but I mention it as typical of your methods of bringing up a child and their effect on me. I dare say I was quite obedient afterward at that period, but it did me inner harm. What was for me a matter of course, that senseless asking for water, and then the extraordinary terror of being carried outside were Two things that I, my nature being what it was, could never properly connect with each other. Even years afterward I suffered from the tormenting fancy that the huge man, my father, the ultimate authority, would come almost for no reason at all and take me out of bed in the night and carry me out onto the pavlatche, and that consequently I meant absolutely nothing as far as he was concerned. *Pavlatche is the Czech word for the long balcony in the inner courtyard of old houses in Prague. (Ed.)”

“That was only a small beginning, but this feeling of being nothing that often dominates me (a feeling that is in another respect, admittedly, also a noble and fruitful one) comes largely from your influence.”

“And it is characteristic that even today you really only encourage me in anything when you yourself are involved in it, when what is at stake is your own sense of self-importance

“What was always incomprehensible to me was your total lack of feeling for the suffering and shame you could inflict on me with your words and judgments. “

You reinforced abusiveness with threats and this applied to me too. How terrible for me was, for instance, that “I’ll tear you apart like a fish,” although I knew, of course, that nothing worse was to follow (admittedly, as a little child I didn’t know that)”

I am of the opinion that it would be time well spent reading Kafka’s entire letter. It may shock you. It may also bring a tear to your eye. If you find that you can personally relate to the abuse which Kafka described, my heart goes out you. No child (or adult for that matter) deserves such treatment.

The pain and suffering is internalized by the child. When the child internalizes the repeated Traumas, it results in pain and suffering well into adulthood (possibly life long).

A full English translation is available online thanks to Google Docs. Click on this line to visit the Google Docs page which displays the English translation of Franz Kafka’ Letter to his Father.

Click on this line to visit the The Kafka Project site, which has an interesting review of Kafka’s Letter to his Father.

May I also make a suggestion. It should not be taken as my giving any sort of medical advice. Speak to your own Therapist or Physician or other Medical Professional about whether it might be an “educational idea” for you to write your own letter to your past (or still present) abusive Narcissist. Again, doing so would be for your own personal and educational purposes. It is “my opinion” that any such  letter should be retained by you and not given to anyone. Again speak to your own Medical Professional about how to proceed, should you and your Medical Professional decide to go ahead with such a letter.

Video courtesy of The School of Life YouTube channel

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