Category: characteristics (Red Flags) of toxic people

Red Flags that you are Dating a Loser by Joseph M. Carver, Clinical Psychologist.

A special note of Thanks to Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D for permitting us to share his article:

“The Loser”

Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. There are a variety of “bad choices” that may be encountered each week – most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled “The Loser”.

“The Loser” is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present – it’s not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment “The Loser” will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

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How to tell if a Predator Narcissist is Mirroring you.

Non verbal communication is far more powerful,
than spoken words.

The Narcissists will try to in effect “Morph” into you, their target.

Predators use Mirroring all the time.
Please make sure that you watch for it.

Video is courtesy of the Sereena Nightshade YouTube channel

A quote from the Mirroring page on Wikipedia:

Mirroring can establish rapport with the individual who is being mirrored, as the similarities in nonverbal gestures allow the individual to feel more connected with the person exhibiting the mirrored behavior.[3] As the two individuals in the situation display similar nonverbal gestures, they may believe that they share similar attitudes and ideas as well. Mirror neurons react to and cause these movements, allowing the individuals to feel a greater sense of engagement and belonging within the situation.

The above Wikipedia text was taken from the following ref:
Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring people: The new science of how we connect with others. New York, NY: Picador.

If you catch someone Mirroring you, consider that as being a major Red Flag that you could be interacting with a Predator Narcissist.

Ask yourself: Why would someone be using a Major Psychological Control Technique against you?

How a relationship with a Narcissist can derail you

 

In my opinion, the worst part of any kind of relationship with a Narcissist, happens when the relationship ends. That is when Narcissists start their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign directed against you. The damage can be both Financial (at your job), as well as Emotional.

Their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign is the Narcissist’s gift to you, which just keeps on giving….

Persistent Flattery is a major Red Flag of Disordered Individuals like Narcissists and Psychopaths.

Red Flags are important to watch for. Narcissists repeat their calculated behavior with each new Target. Learn about the Red Flags commonly displayed by Narcissists and then watch for them.

There is a world of difference between honest Flattery and Calculated Persistent Flattery.

If someone relatively new in your life is consistently flattering you, ask yourself what do they want. Make sure to watch for other Red Flags.

Video is courtesy of the Inner Integration YouTube channel

Psychotherapist Terri Cole discusses Traits and Red Flags, to help you tell if you are dating a Narcissist.

Video is courtesy of the Terri Cole YouTube channel

Terri Cole also wrote:

When it comes to being in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s difficult to find any real intimacy because everything is about your functionality in their life. Narcissists can love only on a superficial level. As long as you are doing what they think you are supposed to be doing, all is well (and when i say ‘well’ I mean they get what they want and you stay unsatisfied, unseen and unheard.) The moment you deny them exactly what they want, look out! They will explode, get mean and do just about anything to get you back in line with their plan. If you don’t comply, they will leave.

Actions and conversations with a narcissist all revolve around building them up, even when it’s “about you,” it’s really about them – they get to “show you off to their friends.” That isn’t about you at all. It’s about their ego and how you make them look.

You can learn more about Terri Cole by visiting her website by clicking on this line.

You can also checkout her social Media pages as listed below:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TerriColeLCS...
Twitter: https://twitter.com/terri_cole
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/terricole/
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/terricoleLCSW/

Terri Cole’s video above, reminded me of a particular Somatic Narcissist that I once had to deal with.

Husband kills family, then self

The female had called police about a verbal argument with her husband saying that she had feared for her life. The Police came to the home, but the husband was no longer there. The police informed her about getting a Protection From Abuse Order. She indicated that she would do so, but never followed through. Trauma Bonding messes up the logical thinking of the abused victim.

If the Police are suggesting to get a Protection From Abuse Order, then do it. The husband apparently purchased a legal handgun the following day.

Abusive and Disordered people fear abandonment. Some fear abandonment more than they fear death. The abuse is to keep the victim in line and under control.

The Disordered Individual cannot handle losing control. One solution is to eliminate the problem. Because Narcissists know right from wrong (unlike with Psychopaths where right or wrong do not exist) they will realize that they just murdered their family. The embarrassment of going to trial and media attention would be too great for their fragile Ego to handle. So they kill themselves.

If you are in an abusive relationship and considering leaving, please contact your local Law Enforcement. They can also inform you of other assistance available to you – like Battered Women’s Shelters. Listen to the Police and follow through by getting any suggested Court Orders. By getting Law Enforcement to visit the family home, a Disordered Individual such as an abusive Narcissist could reconsider escalating the violence, since it has now been made public. It anything goes to Court, a Police Officer’s testimony will trump a Narcissist’s great sounding BS.

The video below is a Heads Up that Disordered Individuals can damage way more than your emotional well being. They can literally destroy you and possibly your children. Learning about the Red Flags to watch for is so very important. Better to walk away when multiple Red Flags are displayed, than becoming involved with a Disordered Individuals and later getting emotionally and or physicically abused or even killed.

Video is courtesy of the Inside Edition YouTube channel

When you leave an abusive relationship, you enter into the world of Abuse Recovery. It will take time and it can be painful.

A first person account of going through Abuse Recovery. It will not be easy. Nor will it be any fun.

One key point from this video is that by hanging in there, you can reach the light at the end of that dark tunnel.

I believe that a lot of people need to view this video, to help them to understand the insanity which they had lived through. It’s also important to hear that you were not the only one who was targeted, used and abused by a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath. It helps to listen to the Red Flags mentioned, which were found in the presenter’s Toxic Relationship

Videos like this one, take guts to make public. IMHO, videos like this one are Extremely Important.

Video is courtesy of the Angel Speaks YouTube channel

Cluster-B Disordered Individuals mess up many loving and caring people. This IMHO is the fault of the Educational Systems. Just as there are Sex Education classes, there should also be training about the Red Flags displayed by Cluster-B Disordered Individuals. Have videos such as this one, shown to every High School, College and University graduating group.

A friend ended up in a Hospital for months after the Malignant Narcissist that she had married, went into a rage. No one ever taught her about the Red Flags to look for. She married and was isolated from friends and family, by moving to another country. Becoming isolated and totally dependent on a Cluster-B Disordered individual opens the door to major physical abuse. All my friend had to talk to were the Flying Monkeys, that is the Malignant Narc’s family. She learned about the Red Flags, after major damage was done.