Sharing the Truth of the Narcissist’s actions and you may think you are suddenly in episode of the Twilight Zone. Your reality will not be accepted by the Narcissist. This can occur within a personal relationship and also in a work environment with a Narcissistic Boss.
If you create a Narcissistic Injury, then lookout as the Narcissist will twist things to Keep the Focus OFF OF The FACTS which you spoke about. They will switch to talking about and accuse you of things totally unrelated to what the original discussion was about. How dare you question the Narcissist.
I had set up this website to try to help others ( especially Empaths ) by providing information about Disordered individuals. One key was to try and spot the Red Flags.
I have crossed paths was a variety of Narcissists. They ranged from being Covert to Overt to Malignant. I watch out for those Red Flags.
Well things have come full circle for me recently. I got a new job. Surprised to find that my new Boss was imho a very Malignant Narcissist. During the interview process I did not pick up on that fact.
Everything centered around him. I suspect that deep inside, he was rather insecure. There were team meetings several times a day which he would Lord over. That was not enough to feed his need for attention. Out of the blue he would interrupt to go into a diatribe.
I quickly learned he could care less about boundaries. He would consistently multiple times a day trash and back stab the person who I was going to replace and who was training me. When that person left he would trash and back stab a guy who had worked for him for almost a decade. You don’t build a Team up by backstabbing Team members to other Team members. Of course this person could do no wrong.
I heard from him that his ex-wife’s family were causing issues with the divorce. He worked on his ex-wife to try to get her not to listen to her own family members. A Narcissist will always try and isolate you from the support of family and friends. When there is a lack of support, then it becomes easier to manipulate and control that person. I felt sad for his ex-wife. She should have gone No Contact, but instead she still worked for the guy and saw him every day. Just think, I have just joined the Team and my Boss was backstabbing the person who was leaving. He was also backstabbing his ex-wife’s family and trying to get his ex-wife to stay away from her family.
One day I get interrupted and asked to sit in on a conference meeting call. The conference call was run by the Boss and another Team member (the guy who had worked there for almost a decade). Totally pointless having me there, as I had just started working there.
After the conference meeting, the other Team member left. Then the Boss started to trash and back stab him. He went into a rant about how the guy did not do this or do that during the conference meeting. This went on and on. I finally got fed up and stated some facts back to this Boss. I stated that both the Boss and the Team member were active participants in the conference meeting. If the Boss felt that something was being missed or left out, then the Boss should have added it to the meeting. It would have been a great learning experience for the other Team member who had participated in the meeting and also for me. Instead the Boss just sat there and did nothing. I stated facts.
My facts did not go over well. I was immediately told not to tell the Boss how to run his company. Narcissists will never admit that they did anything wrong. At no time would I even try to tell him how to run his company. The Narcissist Boss was shifting the blame onto me.
The new Boss was good at two things. Self praise and back stabbing the folks who worked for him. There was something which I was doing but also asked fellow Team members if it was okay with them. The Boss remarked to me that he owned everything and if he said it was Okay, then I did not need to ask anyone else. It is common courtesy to ask someone if they are ok with something. Not with this new Boss. He owned everything (and likely felt that he owned everyone there).
I had not picked up on any Narcissist traits during the interview stage. As soon as I started working there then the Narcissist started to be displayed.
My stating the fact that the Boss could have changed the conference meeting by filling in what may have been missed by the other Team member did not sit well with my new Boss. At the end of the day, he came over started discussing things again. He told me that I did not know what I was talking about and that I should shut up. Seriously. This was during my 2nd week. I restated that he could have added what ever he felt was being missed. Instead he did not. My words went in one ear and come the other. How dare I suggest that the almighty Boss had done such a thing. Again I was informed that I do not know anything and should keep my moth shut. Then he motioned his hand across his mouth like shutting a zipper. Great way to inspire a new hire – Me. The New Boss could care less about anyone else. He was the greatest. He was a member of an esteemed club which is attended by local High Rollers. There was a consistent need to brag or to try to impress upon me just how special the new Boss was.
I saw this as him having major insecurity issues. Narcissists pretend that they are the greatest and the very best, yet deep inside they are very insecure.
What struck me about the late discussion where I was literally told to keep my mouth shut, was that I did not pickup on the fact that he was “Gaslighting me”. There was also another senior Team member still there. My new Boss was in effect backstabbing me to that other person. All because I stated a fact that he could have done something, but did nothing. It was not till later when I got home that I realized that he was Gaslighting the situation. Yes I was new and Yes I did not know much about the job as yet. But I was present during the conference meeting and I was stating facts. He could not handle facts. So he started to use Gaslighting. First I was told not to tell him how to run his company. I never did that. Next he tells me to keep my mouth shut. Implicit instruction to never state the truth as in the new Bosses mind he can do no wrong because he is the greatest and most knowledgeable etc etc etc.
I have managed large departments and would never dream of back stabbing those who report to me. I once refused to fire someone. The VP of Finance decided that he did not like one member of my Team and he told the Director who told me to fire the person. I said no. I also said that the person they wanted me to fire was great member of our Team and an asset to the company. I spent time working with the person and changed processes which got the VP of Finance off my back. I did not fire the person. You build a Team and should stand up and support it.
Back to my new job. In two weeks my world got turned upside down. I felt that I was working for a rather Malignant Narcissist. I also better understood the concept of Trauma Bonding and why people do not leave dysfunctional relationships. For example, it did not dawn on me that my new Boss was using Gaslighting, at time that he was using it. It was only when I got home and out of the situation that I realized.
There is one solution to dealing with Malignant Narcissists which I believed worked. That was to go No Contact. After 2 weeks I had more than enough. I quit and walked out. I will not work for a Malignant Narcissist. I have dealt with Directors and Vice President and Presidents of companies. A number of people had certain Narcissistic traits. But when you indicated that you were not going to be their source of Narcissistic Supply, they caught on and left me alone to do my job. This new Boss was different. No way was he going to leave anyone alone. He needed his attention fix multiple times each day – not unlike a drug addict. It bothered me that I did not pickup up on any Narcissistic traits during the interview process. He seemed quite normal.
Up until the time I stated the fact that the new Boss was an active participant on the conference meeting and could have done something to fix that meeting, he would call me into his office. I was always told that he would normally not spend so much of his oh so precious time with an employee. I later took that as a form or Love Bombing. Getting lots of attention thrown my way.
When I dared open my mouth and state facts that the new Boss was an active participant on that conference meeting, then things changed. No more love bombing. I was told that I do not know what I was talking about and to keep my mouth shut. I also got what I took to be a threat. He said after telling me to shut up that maybe I no longer wanted to work there. Great way to inspire and onboard a new hire – NOT.
The Narcissist’s mask had come off and now I got to meet the real new Boss. I kept my mouth shut. Came and worked two more days. Did not say anything. Then on the Monday, at the start of the 3rd week I came in early. Cleaned up my laptops. Packed up my stuff. Got someone in accounting to confirm that they could get into the laptops. Handed the accountant my office keys and left before most of the staff arrived. Sent a msg saying that I quit effective immediately.
It was an experience. I learned a lot while keeping this website going. That info helped me in this situation. I knew who and what I was dealing with. I have never had a Boss like this. I have never had an onboarding experience like this. I learned a lot from this. The Narcissist played me till I agreed to work for him. He picked up on my being an Empath. It was only when the Narcissist’s Mask came off that I got to meet the real Boss.
I quit and will stay No Contact. There was even a Flying Monkey who would gladly do the Bosses bidding. The New Boss would reward them by providing them with attention at the end of the day. It is one thing to read about Malignant Narcissists. It is quite another experiencing them in real life. Because of the time spent building this this website I had the knowledge to know what I was dealing with and what to expect. So things have come full circle.
Next up is trying to find another job. The job which I had left to join the Narcissist, I could go back to. I was told that the door is always open. Yes, by quitting it is costing me. My sanity is far more important than working for and being used and abused by a Malignant Narcissist Boss.
Stephen Gane was found guilty and jailed for four years for coercive behaviour and ‘Gaslighting‘ in landmark case. He drove Kellie Sutton to hang herself, only five month after beginning a relationship with her.
Kellie was a Mother of 3 children. She had been single for a couple of years before she was targeted by Stephen Gane.
Her grieving family read the following in court: “Kellie was a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a great grand daughter and a mother. She was caring, funny, affectionate, bubbly and kind. She was a loyal friend – the kind of person who would go out of their way to help others. She could not bear to see anyone suffering and would put herself out to help anyone. She didn’t have a bad bone in her body.“
From this we can see that Kellie was an Empath. Disordered Individuals can spot an Empath from a mile away. Within weeks of meeting her, Steven moved into “her house”.
Kellie’s friend had this to say “I told her to stay away from him because he seemed controlling.”. She disliked Stephen and you can be sure Stephen made sure that Kellie was kept away from her friends.
Stephen Gane denied hurting Kellie. He said they loved each other but their relationship was sometimes ‘volatile’. Disordered Individuals will never admit to doing anything wrong.
He was found guilty of actual bodily harm and one charge of assault by beating. One must assume that splitting her head open, was his way of showing his Love and Affection.
Judge Philip Grey told Stephen Gane:“Kellie was a much loved young woman who had the great misfortune of meeting you.”
“You treated her as a meal ticket. You beat her and ground her down and broke her spirit.”
“You’ve shown no evidence of sadness or regret and your behaviour clearly drove Kellie to hang herself that morning.”
Disordered Individual will target someone (like you) to “USE” you. Note that Stephen Mane showed “No evidence of sadness or regret“. Disordered Individual could care less about others. They do not care how much pain and sorrow they create for others, as long they get what they WANT.
There are MILLIONS of Disordered Individuals, like Staphen Gane, out there. Please watch for the Red Flags. Please listen to your friends, who may spot odd behaviour which signal danger to them.
The only positive thing which will come from the death of this young woman is that she gave her life to spare her children untold horrors which were waiting for them. Imagine having someone like Stephen Gane being the father figure to her three kids? He would have destroyed those kids. Over the 5 months that he lived in Kellie’s house, I’m sure that her kids were tramatized. I hope that they can receive Psychiatric help to help get over the loss of their Mother and over the Traumas caused by Stephen Gane.
The most horrible thought is that he will get out of jail and will seek a new victim. Disordered Individuals cannot be fixed. Their brains are hard wired differently.
A relationship to a Disordered Individual, such as a Narcissist, is all about them gaining Control over their Target.
You will note one Major Red Flag and Danger Sign mentioned in this video. The Target/Victim becameISOLATED from Friends and Family.A Disordered Individual will work to isolate the Target. That allows greater control of the Target.As you become more and more Isolated, you will become much more vulnerable.Kellie Sutton became isolated and her only option to escape was Suicide.
Yes, this is a long video, but Kristin knows what she is talking about. I believe it is very informative and well worth watching. Kristin Snowden is an experienced Licensed Therapist.
Kristin Minto Snowden, LMFT California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #81413 Individual, Couples, and Family Therapy Treating Addiction Recovery, Relationships, Intimacy, Betrayal Trauma (Infidelity), Divorce Recovery, and Family Issues.
Gaslighting is a most subtle and cunning Machiavellian behaviour used against the victim, where “nothing is ever as it seems”. The Gaslighting Effect is truly a convoluted dance that involves mind games that all narcissists use for conditioning, grooming, indoctrinating, controlling, and altering their victim’s reality. The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self-confidence, and self-esteem. Eventually they are no longer able to function in an independent way and believe that they are going mad.
GASLIGHTING WORKSHOP On 24th June 2016 I’m running a workshop on Gaslighting, it’s effects and how to protect yourself and others. In this workshop we shall take an in-depth look at:
1. Gaslighting: as a form of psychological warfare used against the victim in a deliberate and progressive way.
2. Expose how the “Narcissistic Puppet Master’s” lead the relationship through different phases; The Idealisation Stage, Devaluation Stage, and finally, the Discarding Stage.
3. Understanding the Plight of the Gaslighting Effect, and how it effects the victim.
4. Learn the warning “Red Flags” for staying safe.
5. Do a forensic analysis of a case study for understanding the narcissists subtle covert aggression. THIS IS A WORKSHOP YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS.
You’ll find all the information HERE or the link below for booking..
Disclaimer:Roadshow for Therapists does not endorse this website “Uniquely Narcissistic”. Christine Louis De Canonville does not endorse this website “Uniquely Narcissistic”
I post about Christine’s workshops because I believe in the work that she is doing. I have a post on this site which features a video of one of her workshops – click on this link to view that post. I try to post material on this site which I feel is worth looking at. Christine is a world class Therapist, who I am glad to be able to post about. I get no financial gain from any of the posts found on Uniquely Narcissistic.