Category: Narcissist Red Flags

How to treat someone who treats you badly

Ran across this post on the Experience Project site.

Click on this Link to visit the Experience Project to the read the post titled: “How To Treat A Guy That Treats You Bad.

See if you can pick up on some of the Narcissist’s Red Flags in that post. Things like Love Bombing, Blame Shifting and not taking responsibility for their actions (it’s always your fault).

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Learn how to spot when someone is trying to Lie to you. By Susan Carnicero

Susan Carnicero had spent over 20 years performing interviews, interrogations and polygraph examinations, as a Security Specialist with the CIA.

She had also developed behavioral screening programs, that are used by the U.S. Federal Government.

Uniquely Narcissistic focuses on the Red Flags of Disordered Individuals.  One of the Red Flags and Traits of Narcissists (and also of Sociopaths and Psychopaths) is that they are Proficient Liars, because they get lots of practice.

Susan Carnicero’s discusses what to watch for, when someone is trying to Lie to you.

Video is courtesy of the Digiday YouTube channel

Susan Carnicero is also the author of  the book titled: “Get the Truth: Former CIA Officers Teach You How to Persuade Anyone to Tell All.

Red Flags that you are Dating a Loser by Joseph M. Carver, Clinical Psychologist.

A special note of Thanks to Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D for permitting us to share his article:

“The Loser”

Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. There are a variety of “bad choices” that may be encountered each week – most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled “The Loser”.

“The Loser” is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present – it’s not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment “The Loser” will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

Continue reading

How to tell if a Predator Narcissist is Mirroring you.

Non verbal communication is far more powerful,
than spoken words.

The Narcissists will try to in effect “Morph” into you, their target.

Predators use Mirroring all the time.
Please make sure that you watch for it.

Video is courtesy of the Sereena Nightshade YouTube channel

A quote from the Mirroring page on Wikipedia:

Mirroring can establish rapport with the individual who is being mirrored, as the similarities in nonverbal gestures allow the individual to feel more connected with the person exhibiting the mirrored behavior.[3] As the two individuals in the situation display similar nonverbal gestures, they may believe that they share similar attitudes and ideas as well. Mirror neurons react to and cause these movements, allowing the individuals to feel a greater sense of engagement and belonging within the situation.

The above Wikipedia text was taken from the following ref:
Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring people: The new science of how we connect with others. New York, NY: Picador.

If you catch someone Mirroring you, consider that as being a major Red Flag that you could be interacting with a Predator Narcissist.

Ask yourself: Why would someone be using a Major Psychological Control Technique against you?

How a relationship with a Narcissist can derail you

 

In my opinion, the worst part of any kind of relationship with a Narcissist, happens when the relationship ends. That is when Narcissists start their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign directed against you. The damage can be both Financial (at your job), as well as Emotional.

Their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign is the Narcissist’s gift to you, which just keeps on giving….

Persistent Flattery is a major Red Flag of Disordered Individuals like Narcissists and Psychopaths.

Red Flags are important to watch for. Narcissists repeat their calculated behavior with each new Target. Learn about the Red Flags commonly displayed by Narcissists and then watch for them.

There is a world of difference between honest Flattery and Calculated Persistent Flattery.

If someone relatively new in your life is consistently flattering you, ask yourself what do they want. Make sure to watch for other Red Flags.

Video is courtesy of the Inner Integration YouTube channel

SPEED ATTRACTION. Making Someone Love You In 20 Minutes by David Snyder

David Snyder discusses Speed Attraction.

Narcissists and Psychopaths are really good at establishing Rapport and Trust with their Targets. They do this using techniques which are below most people’s radar. Mirroring is a major Psychological Mind Control Technique used by Narcissists. Therapists may also use Mirroring to establish Trust with their patients. Trust can be real and created via shared experience, or false Trust can be programmed into someone’s mind and they will have no clue that they were manipulated.

Video is courtesy of the David Snyder YouTube channel

There is a video featured in a post on this site, by a Harvard Grad named Leslie Morgan Steiner. She was targeted by a Narcissist. She was talked into moving and became isolated from friends and family. Once she was isolated the abuse started and moved to physical abuse.She was programmed not to discuss the abuse with others. In the video she spoke of being physically abused. She stated that at the time her focus was not on the person physically abusing her. Her mind was focused on the false persona presented to her at the beginning of their relationship.

Mirroring and Love Bombing by the Narcissist installs Rapport and Trust deep into the victim’s mind. Again, Leslie focused on the false person whom she had been programmed to fall in love with. Someone who “did not exist”. She dismissed the physical abuse and focused on the false persona. She was very highly educated, yet the Narcissist was able to get inside her mind and manipulate her.

Learning about and then watching for the Red Flags like Mirroring, can give one a clue into the type of individual one is interacting with.

Watch the video and listen carefully to the way that David interacts with the people at his seminar – especially the females. Listen to how he shifts his tonality. He draws the Target in and starts asking question after question. He repeats what he has been told by the Target. He draws the Target in. Narcissists will sound like David, when they interact with their Targets. It is very subtle, yet very powerful and IMHO very dangerous if you are the Target.

Another verbal tactic of the Narcissist is to continually combine the target and themselves in statements they make. Take this statement fed to a Target by a Narc “You don’t Love Me anymore. stated as a joke to counter something negative which the Target just said.  The Target laughs at the Narc’s statement and the Target’s state is changed. The Negative is thus removed from the Target’s mind. Narcs are really good at countering anything negative. Humor is non threatening and does not set off alarms. Yet the Narc’s stupid statement (given the situation where it had been used), clears the Target’s mind of negative thoughts.

The constant combination of “You” and “Me”, also helps to program a connection in the Target’s mind. All this flies below the radar and never sets off any alarms in the Target’s Mind. Next thing you know, the Target starts to feel that they have met their Soul Mate…

Gilan Gork’s superb explanation of Mirroring. Narcissists use Mirroring to establish a sense of Trust and Rapport with their Target.

Mirroring is one the most important Red Flags displayed by Narcissists, on a consistent basis.

Mirroring someone can open the door into their mind. You can create “Trust”, “Rapport” and get someone to believe that you and them have established a “Connection”. Most people have never heard of Mirroring, allowing Narcissists to readily use it.

I recall one situation, the Cerebral Narc was standing and talking to some people. His target came by and she bent over placing her elbows on a counter. The Narc spotted her and went over and Mirrored her. He bent over the counter placing his elbows on the counter. She had no clue what was going on. The others also did not notice what the Narc was doing. As his target changed position, so did the Narc. He also started to adjust his tonality to better match her. It was classic. Only the Cerebral Narcissist and myself had any clue that he was manipulating his target.

Video is courtesy of the GilanGorkTV YouTube channel

Cluster-B Disordered individuals, such as Narcissist use Mirroring on a consistent basis (so do Psychopaths). Why ? Because it works. It lets them establish Trust and Rapport with their Target. This shuts down the Target’s natural Fight or Flight protective response.

Learn about Mirroring and then always watch for it.

 

The dangers of being in a relationship with a Disordered Narcissist

Dr. David B Hawkins discusses some of the dangers when one gets involved in a relationship with a Narcissist, especially to one’s Self Esteem.

The video also has some sound advice regarding Boundaries.

Video is courtesy of the David Hawkins YouTube channel

The one point that he makes that I disagree with, is about being able to change a Narcissist. It is my opinion, and your mileage may differ, that Narcissism is a Hard Wiring problem caused by major Attachment Trauma(s) suffered when the Narc was a tiny infant. There is no Treatment Protocol for Narcissism, and many Licensed Therapists will agree.

Trauma caused later in life, also changes Brain Chemistry and it is very hard to treat, just ask anyone with PTSD or Complex PTSD, but can be treated. 

I also think that it also depends on the depth on the Narcissistic Disorder. A Malignant Narcissist IMHO cannot be changed and it could be dangerous to even try to get them to change. Someone who is not deeply disordered, just maybe could adapt to you setting boundaries etc.

 

Codependence – Patterns and Characteristics

CoDA.org holds meetings similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. Those with Codependent tendencies can meet, share and talk.

Codependence stems from not receiving the Love, Care, Attention and Confirmation and Praise which “you deserved” when you were a child. The child’s sense of self is not allowed to develop. Codependence, is in my opinion, a survival mechanism developed by the child and carried over into adulthood.

There are people, such a Narcissists , who will search for and pick up on someone’s Codependent tendencies. Narcissists are well versed in Psychological Manipulation Techniques to reel in their Codependent targets. Codependents are easily duped by the Narcissist’s Love Bombing. The Narcissist’s Love Bombing provides the Codependent Target, that which the Target had never received from their parents, when they were a child. Unfortunately the Love Bombing was never something real. It was just another Psychological Manipulation and Control Technique used by disordered individuals such as Narcissists.

A Licensed Therapist can help one to figure out the Triggers of Codependent Tendencies. Realizing the Self Doubt and Self Sabotage and negative Self Talk is the first step towards healing. Healing opens the door to finding a Healthy relationship and could also help to limit you being targeted by Disordered Individuals such as Narcissists.

The Codependents anonymous meetings held, by CoDA.org, in your local area could be helpful tool on your road to recovery. Speak to your Therapist about CoDA.org. Also find out if your licensed Therapist holds Group Therapy sessions. You are not alone. Sadly many have had parents who were clueless about proper parenting and helping their children grow and develop their Self Worth and Self Esteem. It is my opinion that Codependence is created by abysmal parenting.

Click on the link below to view the CoDA.org document titled: Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence.

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Quote “It is my attraction to some of those Red Flags that causes problems. The Love Bombing makes me feel oh so special. The feeling that you have met your Soul Mate is indescribable.”

Quote

Quote:It is my attraction to some of those Red Flags that causes problems. The Love Bombing makes me feel oh so special. The feeling that you have met your Soul Mate is indescribable.

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Place your mouse cursor on the image. Then right Click and then choose Save Image As.

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Psychotherapist Terri Cole discusses Traits and Red Flags, to help you tell if you are dating a Narcissist.

Video is courtesy of the Terri Cole YouTube channel

Terri Cole also wrote:

When it comes to being in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s difficult to find any real intimacy because everything is about your functionality in their life. Narcissists can love only on a superficial level. As long as you are doing what they think you are supposed to be doing, all is well (and when i say ‘well’ I mean they get what they want and you stay unsatisfied, unseen and unheard.) The moment you deny them exactly what they want, look out! They will explode, get mean and do just about anything to get you back in line with their plan. If you don’t comply, they will leave.

Actions and conversations with a narcissist all revolve around building them up, even when it’s “about you,” it’s really about them – they get to “show you off to their friends.” That isn’t about you at all. It’s about their ego and how you make them look.

You can learn more about Terri Cole by visiting her website by clicking on this line.

You can also checkout her social Media pages as listed below:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TerriColeLCS...
Twitter: https://twitter.com/terri_cole
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/terricole/
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/terricoleLCSW/

Terri Cole’s video above, reminded me of a particular Somatic Narcissist that I once had to deal with.

Knowledge gives one the Power to make an informed decision, about who to get into a relationship with and who to Go No Contact with.

Quote "Knowledge gives one the Power to make an informed decision, about who to get into a relationship with and who to Go No Contact with." by uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Quote:Knowledge gives one the Power to make an informed decision, about who to get into a relationship with and who to Go No Contact with.

 

Copyright 2016 https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com
Feel free to share under Creative Common License Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International. Place your mouse cursor on the image. Then right Click and then choose Save Image As.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

By using Mirroring, Narcissists achieve great success in establishing deep rapport with their Target. Mirror Neuron Science explains how this happens inside the brain.

Yes, I have a deep fascination of Mirroring. I also have a deep respect for it’s ability to influence and making it easy to manipulate others. It is a major Red Flag to watch for.

The video below discusses Mirror Neurons inside Human Brains.

Video is courtesy of the Integr8 YouTube channel

Husband kills family, then self

The female had called police about a verbal argument with her husband saying that she had feared for her life. The Police came to the home, but the husband was no longer there. The police informed her about getting a Protection From Abuse Order. She indicated that she would do so, but never followed through. Trauma Bonding messes up the logical thinking of the abused victim.

If the Police are suggesting to get a Protection From Abuse Order, then do it. The husband apparently purchased a legal handgun the following day.

Abusive and Disordered people fear abandonment. Some fear abandonment more than they fear death. The abuse is to keep the victim in line and under control.

The Disordered Individual cannot handle losing control. One solution is to eliminate the problem. Because Narcissists know right from wrong (unlike with Psychopaths where right or wrong do not exist) they will realize that they just murdered their family. The embarrassment of going to trial and media attention would be too great for their fragile Ego to handle. So they kill themselves.

If you are in an abusive relationship and considering leaving, please contact your local Law Enforcement. They can also inform you of other assistance available to you – like Battered Women’s Shelters. Listen to the Police and follow through by getting any suggested Court Orders. By getting Law Enforcement to visit the family home, a Disordered Individual such as an abusive Narcissist could reconsider escalating the violence, since it has now been made public. It anything goes to Court, a Police Officer’s testimony will trump a Narcissist’s great sounding BS.

The video below is a Heads Up that Disordered Individuals can damage way more than your emotional well being. They can literally destroy you and possibly your children. Learning about the Red Flags to watch for is so very important. Better to walk away when multiple Red Flags are displayed, than becoming involved with a Disordered Individuals and later getting emotionally and or physicically abused or even killed.

Video is courtesy of the Inside Edition YouTube channel

When you leave an abusive relationship, you enter into the world of Abuse Recovery. It will take time and it can be painful.

A first person account of going through Abuse Recovery. It will not be easy. Nor will it be any fun.

One key point from this video is that by hanging in there, you can reach the light at the end of that dark tunnel.

I believe that a lot of people need to view this video, to help them to understand the insanity which they had lived through. It’s also important to hear that you were not the only one who was targeted, used and abused by a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath. It helps to listen to the Red Flags mentioned, which were found in the presenter’s Toxic Relationship

Videos like this one, take guts to make public. IMHO, videos like this one are Extremely Important.

Video is courtesy of the Angel Speaks YouTube channel

Cluster-B Disordered Individuals mess up many loving and caring people. This IMHO is the fault of the Educational Systems. Just as there are Sex Education classes, there should also be training about the Red Flags displayed by Cluster-B Disordered Individuals. Have videos such as this one, shown to every High School, College and University graduating group.

A friend ended up in a Hospital for months after the Malignant Narcissist that she had married, went into a rage. No one ever taught her about the Red Flags to look for. She married and was isolated from friends and family, by moving to another country. Becoming isolated and totally dependent on a Cluster-B Disordered individual opens the door to major physical abuse. All my friend had to talk to were the Flying Monkeys, that is the Malignant Narc’s family. She learned about the Red Flags, after major damage was done.

What Does It Say About Me that I Fell for the Narcissist and His Lies?

I received an email asking if Narcissists ever change.

Video is courtesy of the The Dr. Phil Show YouTube channel

Dr. Phil interviews Ex-Girlfriend Of Man Accused Of Killing, Dismembering Seattle Mom. See how many Red Flags you can pick up. This lady was lucky that she was not isolated during her 6 months or so with that guy.

She said that he was Charming, Witty and Very Smart. How do you spell Cerebral Narcissist? Yet she could tell that there was something about him that was “off”. There was something scary about his eyes. Potentially Malignant? When the mask slips, one gets to see something else, which was lurking behind that mask.

He met the the Seattle Mom (whom he allegedly killed and dismembered) online via an dating site.

Which brings me to an email which I had received from a visitor to this site.

I received an email asking if Narcissists ever change. The writer stated that they were dating people via an internet dating site. They had found Narcissists to be “much more fun” than the “normal” “regular” people.

Yes you can date Narcissists which you meet on an Internet Dating Site. Great way to risk your life, meeting total strangers and one’s whom you prefer to be afflicted with a  Cluster-B Disorder like NPD. Hey, you might get to meet your first Psychopath (who could also turn out to be your last).

You may have fun in the beginning.

Read the recent posts about the women who could not leave physically abusive relationships. They all had so much fun – in the very beginning during the Love Bombing Phase. Listen to how they describe the guy, who ended up physically abusing them consistently after they had been isolated from family and friends. Things changed drastically. They got Black Eyes on a consistent basis. The were kicked down flights of stairs. They had their heads punched repeatedly. Not fun things to go through. Especially if the Narcissist or Cluster-B Disordered Individual can isolate you and make you totally dependent on them. Note that those “boring” “Normal” and “Regular” people generally are not as prone to do such things.

Yes playing with Fire can be so much fun. But IMHO the odds are against you.
You may get burned, or simply Disappear.