Please read The New Yorker article linked to below.
Always watch for any Red Flags when in a relationship.
Be on the lookout for the consistent use of Mirroring.
Going No Contact can protect you,
but it is not easy to do.
Updated yet again on Apr 28 2017.
Stockholm Syndrome (Trauma Bonding) is said to keep those being abused, in the abusive relationship. They cannot leave their abuser.
I am posting this because I believe there is something to learn from the Rat Cage / Rat Park experiments.
I believe that victims of relationship abuse are stuck in the equivalent of an empty Rat Cage. They feel alone and not connected to anyone who cares about them. They may have been isolated from Family and Friends by physically moving to a different city. Abusers instinctively seem to know that if they can isolate someone, then they can control them and physically or mentally abuse them without outside interference. Again without a support structure, the victim is alone as in the isolated Rat Cage.
The drug in this scenario is the Abuser. Just as Rats isolated in a Rat Cage became addicted, so do the Abuse Victims. If the Victim does leave, then they could suffer from PTSD or worse. They will constantly think about the Abuser and often return to their Abuser, even after horrific physical abuse. In my opinion, this is highly similar to addiction.
Further proof of this concept comes from the same Rat Cage / Rat Park experiment. When the isolated and heavily addicted rats are moved out of an isolated environment into a Rat Park with lots of other rats and lots of stimulating things to do and play with, they lose their addiction.
Going further, Victims of abuse need to move into a Rat Park environment. They need to be among people who care. Friends and family who will morally support them. They need to also have fun. Being abused is “NOT FUN”. I suspect that once the victim is moved into a Rat Park type environment, then their addiction to the abuser could dissipate without symptoms of PTSD etc.
That brings up the lack of such a Rat Park environment for Abuse Victims. They should be surrounded by people who care, people who will try to help them. People who will talk to them. One common theme from Victims going thru forms of Therapy is that they cry their eyes out during the therapy sessions. They have no one to talk to. They feel that no one cares. Like the Rats in the isolated Rat cage. The Rats become addicted to the point of destroying themselves. Victims become addicted to their Abuser. For many victims this addiction destroys them. In my opinion, the Rat Park experiment shows the need to create a Human equivalent of a Rat Park for Victims of Abuse, so that victims can end their “Addiction” to their Abuser.
We have Women’s Shelters filled with women seeking help but percentage wise rather few “Helpers”. We have Therapy, which costs money that the abuse Victim may not have. No money, equals No Help. We have Public Housing, but with long waiting lists. We have legal aid for people convicted of a crime, but Victims of Relationship Abuse may not “qualify”. Society has a disorienting and disconnected patchwork of supposed help and so Victims cannot get away. It may not just be Trauma Bonding which is holding them back. As a society, we do not have an all inclusive support system, like a Rat Park human equivalent environment, to help Abuse Victims if they want to leave their Abuser, Heal and Recover. So they remain “stuck” in Abusive Relationships.
I have received email comments suggesting that it may be the Victim’s lack of confidence to express their feeling that could be at fault. A Victim’s typical inability to establish and enforce clear boundaries is in my opinion, a Learned Survival Mechanism. During early childhood, we learn how to survive in our home environment. Some kids are lucky and are born into loving and caring families. Other kids are not so lucky and have to adapt and learn behaviors to survive. That applies to Disordered Individuals also. One’s early childhood helps to form the future Adult. The work of the late Alice Miller readily comes to mind. I have referred to Abysmal Parenting or the lack of Parenting as being the primary cause of adult dysfunction. Many a Narcissist was not raised by their Birth Mother for example. On the other hand, when a Victim is physically being beaten Black and Blue, IMHO clearly the Abuser is at fault and “not” the Victim.
Video is courtesy of the Alice Miller YouTube channel
There was a video posted here of an English couple. The Husband gave his wife a couple of black eyes one night. The Police showed up and his attitude was as if nothing wrong happened. He called out to his wife and asked if she wanted to speak to the Police. Thankfully the Police had body video recorders running.
I have a friend who was isolated to a different country by a very Disordered Individual. Once isolated, the abuse became physical. One time she was beaten so badly that she ended up being hospitalized for months. It was not her inability to speak up for herself that is to blame. If you start to speak up for yourself to a very disordered individual, you could very well be beaten Black and Blue. IMHO the Abuser is at fault and they are totally responsible for their behavior. View the video in the link shown above. Getting two black eyes was not the Victim’s fault.
I believe that when one learns about the Red Flags and if one starts to see multiple Red Flags on a consistent basis then one is able to get a better idea of who one is interacting with. It has nothing to do with putting labels on people before they do anything wrong. If one does not take heed of those Red Flags and falls prey to an Abuser, then it’s too late. Yes, people are out there who abuse other people. Yes, there are people with Codependent Traits and lots of Empathy, who seem to be attracted to those who abuse. Those who will abuse others also seem to be rather attracted to those who have lots of Empathy and Codependent traits. People call someone an Abuser after they have abused someone. It is not a matter of innocent until proven guilty. They get called that label because they have abused their victim. All abuse is bad, but some abuse is horrific.
I’m posting this for everyone to think about it. The videos below give more details about Dr. Bruce Alexander and his Rat Park experiment. BTW that Rat Park experiment has been repeated many times, with the same results. So it has been scientifically proven.
Video is courtesy of the MinuteVideos YouTUbe channel
Video is courtesy of the Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell YouTube channel
Video is courtesy of The Agenda with Steve Paikin YouTube channel
I was reading a blog post (on another site) about a woman who had borrowed her Narcissist’s car, to visit a Doctor to get some surgical stitches removed. If all went well she would have plenty of time to pickup the Narcissist.
Complications took extra time and she arrived almost 1/2 hour late to pickup the Narcissist.
Instead of asking how things went at the Doctor, the Narc verbally laid into the lady because she was late. The Woman was still in severe pain from getting surgical stitches removed. So what! Narcissists do not care about you. They only care about themselves.
She called him on his callous responses to her. He never did ask how the Doctor’s visit went.
Possibly due to the Doctor’s visit, the lady stood up to the Narc’s Verbal Abuse and called him a Bully. Her standing up for herself pissed the Narc off. He raised his arm and it looked like he was about to strike the woman, but he was able to control himself. She then told him to go ahead and hit her.
The following is my two cents worth “opinion”:
When you are being Verbally Abused, leave the situation if possible. At a Red Light, exit the car and tell the Narc that you will see him at home. That stops the verbal abuse. The Narc expects to belittle you, to gain control over you in this situation. By leaving the situation, you are going No Contact – if only for a short time.
By leaving, you deescalate the situation. You also take power away from Narc, because he will no longer be able to verbally abuse you.
In my opinion it was not a good idea to goad a Narcissist, by telling them to Go Ahead and Hit you. Legally you are giving them permission. If you call the Police, the Narc is great at playing the innocent one and playing people.
Hey, he could tell the Police Officer that you and him are into S&M Sex, but only when the other party gives permission. He could say that you gave him permission to hit you. If it goes to family Court, the Narc’s Lawyer will twist your statement against you. The key is that you will admit that you told him to hit you. Never give any abuser that kind of remark. Talk to your local Law Enforcement Authority about how saying something like that, could tie up the hands of the Police Officers and the Court.
You goaded your Narc, by telling him to hit you. So he goes ahead and hits you. Do you think that it will stop with one single punch??? If Narcissistic Rage takes over your Narcissist, your face could become black and blue with blood running down your broken nose. After they wire your lower jaw back in place, you will be having dinner via a straw for a long time. When you are finally allowed to eat solid food, you could find it difficult to chew due to all the missing teeth that your Narc knocked out.
Do not play with fire. A friend ended up in the Hospital for months after her Malignant Narcissist went to town on her. Her horrific experience is what motivated the creation of this blog.
Speak to your Lawyer and to Local Law Enforcement about your legal rights regarding Domestic Violence and Abuse. Ask them how it could harm your legal position if you told the Narcissist to hit you. There is also info about the US Domestic Abuse Hotline with phone number visible on the main page of this blog. Also a link in the large menu at the top of the Blog. It is a resource which could be of great help. Call and find out how they can help you.
Never forget that Narcissists are Disordered Individuals. If Narcissistic Rage takes over, then you have no idea just how much physical damage they can do to you. Do not play with fire. Do not goad any Abuser by telling them to Hit You. Every year, people die at the hands of their Abuser.
Disclaimer: The above is just “my opinion”. It is not meant to be any kind of Legal Advice. Do your own due diligence and seek out your own Legal Counsel.
When you watch this video, note the Red Flags (like Love Bombing and Isolating the Victim and making the Victim dependent on the Abuser) which appeared “prior” to the physical abuse starting.
This video features Leslie Morgan Steiner, Beverly Gooden, Kit Gruelle, Mildred Muhammad who were Victims of Physical Abuse. They address why they had stayed in the Abusive Relationship. Kudos to these Brave Women for sharing their stories.
Video is courtesy of the Markay Media YouTube channel
Learn about and then watch for the Red Flags displayed by Disordered Individuals. The more Red Flags displayed, the more questions you should be asking about the individual displaying those Red Flags.
Click on this Link to visit the Why We Stayed Twitter page.
Click on this line to visit the Kit Gruelle website.
Click on this line to visit the Mildred Muhammad website.
Click on this line to visit the Beverly Gooden website
Click on this line to visit the Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page
In this TED Talks presentation Leslie Morgan Steiner explains “Why domestic violence victims don’t leave”.
Leslie Morgan Steiner says that she was in “crazy love” — that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life.
The video is courtesy of the TED YouTube channel
The relationship started out, by the Abuser Love Bombing her. She called it to Seduce and Charm the victim. Her future Abuser Idolized her and she stated that that he “believed” in her. Note that she uses the term “Soul Mate”. Watch for those Red Flags, they may be extremely important to your future health and well being.
Next the victim is isolated. She was moved away from her friends and family.
About a week before she married her Abuser, he choked her and bashed her head into a wall. When the bruises on her neck cleared, she went ahead and married her Abuser.
She got the “I’m sorry” story and that it would never happen again. She did get Abused again, and on a regular basis.
Trauma Bonding, in my opinion, kept her in the relationship. Listen to the language which she uses to describe her Abuser.
There is something else which kept her in that Abusive Relationship. That was her “Silence” about it. I know that statement may not sit well with some readers. Listen carefully at the end of the video, where Leslie Morgan Steiner clearly states that the end of her Abuse started when she “started talking about it”.
She talked to the Police about it – very very important first step. She talked to the neighbors about it. She talked to all her friends and family about it. The key is that she “Talked About It“. She let people know that she was being Abused and people helped her. If someone does not know about your abuse, then they cannot help you. “Talking about her Abuse to others”, helped to break her bonds to the Abuser
Talking about your Abusive Relationship to “everyone” Is the Major Message of this video. No one deserves to be Abused. Abusers program those being Abused “Not to Tell“. When one stays quiet about being Abused, they are giving power over themselves to the Abuser. Abuse is about having power and control over someone. Abusers want those being abused, “to keep their mouths shut”. As soon as one tells others about being abused, their Abuser loses all of his or her power and control. Saying something about being Abused could help to set the Victim free.
Click on this Link to read a prior post about a female being turned into a Human Torch because she dared to leave a Disordered Individual. She was burned alive because the guy “didn’t accept being abandoned”.
Note also the major Red Flag indicated by the abuse that her Abuser had apparently received from his Step Father from the age of four. Major Trauma suffered by an infant and a young child is IMHO a Major Red Flag that such an individual could be a Disordered Adult.
Those Red Flags could be extremely important. Learn about them and then watch for them. The more Red Flags that show up, the more questions should be raised about the individual displaying those Red Flags
Click on this link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner website.
Click on this Link to visit the official Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page.
Scroll down the article. About 1/2 way down there are four photos of a cute female. One photo is of a female in a white T-Shirt with Give Peace in large red letters (I suspect that was a John Lennon quote “Give Peace a chance”). In that area they are posting about what the shooter’s ex-wife said.
MAJOR Red Flag – his ex-Wife said that they met online and “within weeks” decided to get married. It takes months and sometimes years to get to know someone. Within weeks you really have no clue who or what you are going to marry IMHO.
His ex-Wife moved away to live with her new Husband. That to me is another Major Red Flag. She was being isolated, by being taken to another State far from any possible support from friends and family.
She apparently started to receive Beatings. That Physical Abuse apparently started within months of their wedding. Like I stated above, to decide to marry someone within weeks of meeting them, is plain asking for trouble. IMHO, one has no clue who or what they are going to marry within only a few weeks of the first meeting. Your mileage may differ.
His ex-Wife’s parents learned that she was being physically abused. They flew down to Florida and removed their daughter from where she and her husband were living. They left all her belongings and left. His ex-Wife went total No Contact. Divorce was handled by Lawyers. Her husband apparently tried to make contact. His ex-Wife maintained No Contact.
Major insight. No Contact did what it was supposed to do, in this case it protected the ex-Wife from potential future physical abuse and emotional harm.
His ex-Wife states in the article that she believes that her parents had literally saved her life.
Click on this line to read the Washington Post article about this event. That Washington Post article was referenced by the Mail Online article. It has bits of info, but the Mail Online article presents key insights.
I feel sorry about the loss of life from the Florida Shootings. But I think from the perspective of this website, this is a story within a story. The mail Online article to my mind only, proves how important Red Flags can be. The article also proves in my mind only, how important it is to go No Contact and especially where there was physical abuse, to stay No Contact.
His ex-Wife is lucky, that she had confided in her parents about the apparent Beatings she was receiving. That is another insight from this. One should inform family and friends when there is any kind of physical or emotional abuse. Friends and Family can help. Superb Parental Action to immediately fly down and take there daughter away.
Major Life lesson. Learn about the Red Flags and then watch for them.Seeing multiple Red Flags means something. Knowledge gives one the power to make better choices in life.
Police wearing body cameras capture the result of a horrific beating a woman had received. Because of the body camera video, the husband who beat his wife was charged and convicted and is now serving a 10 year jail sentence.
Yes he is in jail, but has justice been served? He gets free Room and Board for 10 years, with 3 meals a day cooked for him. Just look at the woman’s face in the screen capture pic. She had been getting this kind of abuse for 10 years. Absolutely sickening.
Is the photo below showing you, your future?Photo of Gale Marmoy is a screen capture (which we made) from the Police video
Her husband had apparently been beating this woman for about a decade before being convicted. Clear example of Trauma Bonding or Stockholm Syndrome on the part of the victim.
If you are presently in an abusive relationship, then seek out the Police and your Health Care Professionals to help you to get out of that abusive relationship before it “Kills You“.
Abuse is real. Being abused is not the fault of the victim. Trauma Bonding is very real, but those bonds can be broken with the help of your Medical Professionals.
No one deserves to be abused.
Watch the video to see how cool he was when the Police arrived at his door after he beat his wife. IMHO he displayed Psychopathic traits. It was bizarre how he calmly asked his wife (whom he called Dawn) if she wanted to speak to the Police. It was as if nothing had happened to give a reason for the Police to have shown up. As if he had done nothing wrong. If the Police had not come, he was not going to call his wife an ambulance or take her to the hospital.
What kind of person could be so Heartless and lacking in Empathy, to behave in this manner? Well lets see, a Malignant Narcissist in a rage and of course a Psychopath could do extreme damage to someone in the blink of an eye. Afterwards they could even blame the victim. Such disordered individuals lack Empathy for the suffering of others.
It boggles my mind how someone could do something like this, yet sadly it happens all too often.
Video is courtesy of the OfficialHantsPolice YouTube channel