Category: Sam Vaknin

Are Narcissists Achievers, or are Narcissists Losers and Failures?

Somatic Narcissists come across as being Laid back. Somatic Narcs it seems lack education, focus, goals and drive and as such achieve little. They are generally low level employees.

Cerebral Narcissist, on the other hand, do climb high up the Corporate Ladder. They can also cause major problems for the firm. Their focus is on themselves and getting praise from those whom they have classified as “high quality” Narcissistic Supply. They generally have no clue how to motivate a Team and as such can lose really good employees who will quit.

I have crossed paths with Cerebral Narcs who were totally focused on themselves. Every conversation and every meeting included them praising themselves. People further up the ladder had a disdain for them and their further advancement up the Corporate Ladder was blocked. The only ones who could not see this were a couple of Flying Monkeys who would watch the Cerebral Narcs every move and follow and praise him.

Narcissists “need you” to praise and worship their every move. They can suffer Major Narcissistic Injury (potentially suicidal), if their “High Value” source of Narcissistic Supply goes No Contact.

So on one hand Narcissists think that they are Perfect. On the other they “need” others to confirm their “illusion” of perfection. Winners live in the real world.  In my opinion, the Abandonment Trauma which created the Narcissist when they were just a Baby, did not create a Winner…

Video is courtesy of the Sam Vaknin YouTube channel

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Documentary about Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Interesting documentary which details many aspects of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D is featured in the later part of this documentary.

Video is courtesy of the Best Documentaries YouTube channel

A Narcissist can react with deep and acute Depression, to the loss of one or more Sources of Narcissistic Supply – or to the disintegration of a Pathological Narcissistic Space.

The following excerpt is from Dr. Sam Vaknin’s book “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited. Special Thanks go out to Dr. Sam Vaknin for allowing this material to be shared. There are Links at the bottom of this post, to learn more about Sam Vaknin’s book.

Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness. This is the position of the authoritative magazine “Psychology Today“. The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).

While the distinction between reactive (exogenous) and endogenous depression is obsolete, it is still useful in the context of narcissism. Narcissists react with depression not only to life crises but to fluctuations in Narcissistic Supply.

The narcissist’s personality is disorganized and precariously balanced. He regulates his sense of self-worth by consuming Narcissistic Supply from others. Any threat to the uninterrupted flow of said supply compromises his psychological integrity and his ability to function. It is perceived by the narcissist as life threatening.

Indeed, depression can be conceptualized as a reaction to the systemic failure of hitherto trustworthy and efficacious coping strategies, either owing to a seismic change in circumstances and the environment, or because of overwhelming new information.

    • I. Loss Induced Dysphoria

This is the narcissist’s depressive reaction to the loss of one or more Sources of Narcissistic Supply – or to the disintegration of a Pathological Narcissistic Space (PN Space, his stalking or hunting grounds, the social unit whose members lavish him with attention).

    • II. Deficiency Induced Dysphoria

Deep and acute depression which follows the aforementioned losses of Supply Sources or a PN Space. Having mourned these losses, the narcissist now grieves their inevitable outcome – the absence or deficiency of Narcissistic Supply. Paradoxically, this dysphoria energises the narcissist and moves him to find new Sources of Supply to replenish his dilapidated stock (thus initiating a Narcissistic Cycle).

    • III. Self-Worth Dysregulation Dysphoria

The narcissist reacts with depression to criticism or disagreement, especially from a trusted and long-term Source of Narcissistic Supply. He fears the imminent loss of the source and the damage to his own, fragile, mental balance. The narcissist also resents his vulnerability and his extreme dependence on feedback from others. This type of depressive reaction is, therefore, a mutation of self-directed aggression.

    • IV. Grandiosity Gap Dysphoria

The narcissist’s firmly, though counter-factually, perceives himself as omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, brilliant, accomplished, irresistible, immune, and invincible. Any data to the contrary is usually filtered, altered, or discarded altogether. Still, sometimes reality intrudes and creates a Grandiosity Gap. The narcissist is forced to face his mortality, limitations, ignorance, and relative inferiority. He sulks and sinks into an incapacitating but short-lived dysphoria.

    • V. Self-Punishing Dysphoria

Deep inside, the narcissist hates himself and doubts his own worth. He deplores his desperate addiction to Narcissistic Supply. He judges his actions and intentions harshly and sadistically. He may be unaware of these dynamics – but they are at the heart of the narcissistic disorder and the reason the narcissist had to resort to narcissism as a defence mechanism in the first place.

This inexhaustible well of ill will, self-chastisement, self-doubt, and self-directed aggression yields numerous self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours – from reckless driving and substance abuse to suicidal ideation and constant depression.

*** end of excerpt ***

Dr. Sam Vaknin’s book “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” may be purchased from the following sites and links:

Click HERE to buy the print edition from Amazon (click HERE to buy a copy dedicated by the author)

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Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of sixteen electronic books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships

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Narcissism Book of Quotes by Sam Vaknin

Sam Vaknin has put together an excellent compilation of thoughts from over 12,000 discussions from the now defunct http://www.suite101.com site. Actually the site may be coming back – just not quite yet.

Usage tip. When the slides below start to display and if you have a mouse with a center wheel on the top of the mouse, place your cursor onto the displayed slide. Now turn that center wheel and you can scroll back and forth thru the slides, using the center wheel. I find it easier to do that, than to use the arrows just below the slide display.

Well worth the time to view each slide.

 

Click on this link to visit Sam Vaknin’s website

Click on this link to visit Amazon.com to leaarn more about the book titled “Malignant Self-Love” authored by Sam Vaknin

Professions, Jobs, and Vocations of Narcissists

This Sam Vaknin video discusses Narcissists and the Professions, Jobs, and Vocations to which they gravitate.

It was interesting to listen to Sam Vaknin discuss the inability of Narcissists to work as part of Team and to help other Team Members so that “the Team” can grow. The inability to function as part of a Team, I believe does lots of harm to the companies which employ Narcissists.

Video is courtesy of the Sam Vaknin Youtube channel

Click on this link to visit Amazon.com to view their Sam Vaknin page and to learn about Sam Vaknin’s book titled “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”.

Click on this link to visit Sam Vaknin’s awesome website at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com . His website is filled with tons of information about Narcissists. Sam Vsknin is an expert in this field of study and has authored much of the jargon used to discuss Narcissists.

Click on this link to visit the official Sam Vaknin Facebook page.

Click on this link to visit the Sam Vakin Wikipedia page to learn some background info about Sam Vakin.

Dating Narcissists and Psychopaths by Sam Vaknin

Sam Vaknin is a key resource in the study of Narcissists and Narcissism. He is a twice diagnosed Narcissist. He is also the author/creator of much of the jargon which is used on online sites which discuss disordered individuals (this site included).

He was asked in this video, what it feels like to be a Narcissist. Sam Vaknin’s response was a surprising “It Sucks“. That response reflects on his own self discovery.

The other thing that impresses me is that Sam Vaknin’s posted material is available for sharing under a Creative Commons license. With Sam Vaknin I get the impression that he is on an intense mission to inform people about Narcissists like himself. It seems uniquely selfless.

Video is courtesy of the Sam Vaknin YouTube channel

Click on this Link to visit Sam Vaknin’s website.

Click on this Link to visit the Sam Vaknin Facebook Page.

Click on this Link to Download an MP3 audio file of this video talk.

Most important Red Flags of a Narcissist

There are many Red Flags given off by Narcissists. Love Bombing for one. Mirroring is a big one, which I tend to consistently harp on about.

There are a couple of key things which the Narcissist will not hide from you. One is in my opinion the “most important Red Flag“. Ask the potential Narcissist about their childhood. Were they brought up by their Birth Mother? If they were still an infant and they were adopted out or given to other family members (say Grand Parents) to be brought up, that is themost important & biggest Red Flag“.

To better confirm that Red Flag, ask questions about the person’s Birth Mother? If there is any animosity or even outright hatred shown towards their Birth Mother, that is “yet another major Red Flag” which also confirms your perception of the biggest Red Flag.

It is my opinion that Narcissists are created due to Abandonment Trauma(s) suffered while still an infant, before the left hemisphere of the brain is developed. The Trauma(s) change how the Brain Develops – ie it’s a Hardware-Wiring issue and so Narcissists can not be changed via a treatment protocol.  MRI Brain Scans seem to confirm “my opinion”.

Joseph Burgo, in a radio interview, alluded to the coincidence that many diagnosed Narcissists had been abandoned in their early childhood. They were adopted out. They were transferred to other family members (Grandparents) to be cared for.

All the Narcissists who I got to know, had issues with their Mother. Yes the issues varied between a coldness to outright disdain.

Sam Vaknin wrote something confirming this in a review of the book titled “The Abandoned Child Within: On Losing and Regaining Self-Worth

Sam Vaknin wrote:

“Underneath this colourful maelstrom lies an hypothesis: pathological narcissism is the direct outcome of early childhood abuse and trauma, mainly in the form of abandonment or neglect. Narcissism, in other words, is a defense against hurt and emotional injury.”.

A female Somatic Narc had a pronounced dislike of her Mother. In stark contrast, she and her Dad were fine. Events in the past when one is an infant can have profound affects which can last a lifetime.

A Cerebral Narc would not speak to their Mother when she came in tears because her own Mother had just passed away. The Cerebral Narc’s Grandmother dies and the Narc could not be bothered to come and talk and try to comfort their own Mother. . Would a non Cluster-B Disordered Individual, who has Empathy for the suffering of others behave that way?.

Being brought up by other family members like Grand Parents can cause Abandonment Trauma. To the Grand Parents it’s a burden to “have to” feed, cloth and bring up their daughter’s infant child. They already brought up their own kids.

The distrust of the Birth Mother for being abandoned and sent off to live with strangers (yes they are Grand Parents and an adult understands that but an infant sees themselves being dumped off to some strangers) by the Narc can be life long.

Different people love very differently and sadly some not at all. That description includes Grand Parents. The infant had already lost life’s lottery by being born to a Mother who abandoned them and sent them away to live in another place. Good chance that the Grand Parents were not the kindest and most loving of individuals. So the infant losses again and possibly pays for such loss by developing a Personality Disorder which could prevent them from being able to establish and enjoy “Intimate and Loving” relationships.

Alice Miller has written a post on her site which ties a number of things together. Her post is titled: “The Ignorance or How we produce the Evil”. I’ll  have some quotes below, from that Alice Miller post.

Alice Miller wrote :

“Children who are given love, respect, understanding, kindness, and warmth will naturally develop different characteristics from those who experience neglect, contempt, violence or abuse, and never have anyone they can turn to for kindness and affection. Such absence of trust and love is a common denominator in the formative years of all the dictators I have studied. The result is that these children will tend to glorify the violence inflicted upon them and later to take advantage of every possible opportunity to exercise such violence, possibly on a gigantic scale. Children learn by imitation. Their bodies do not learn what we try to instill in them by words but what they have experienced physically. Battered, injured children will learn to batter and injure others; sheltered, respected children will learn to respect and protect those weaker than themselves. Children have nothing else to go on but their own experiences.

As Alice Miler stated “Children have nothing else to go on but their own experience”. If the infant child experienced Abandonment Trauma they they will not know how to Love someone. They will do to someone else, what had been done to to them. They will use them and abandon them.

Alice Miller also wrote :

The well-known American pediatrician Dr. Brazelton once filmed a group of mothers holding and feeding their babies, each in her own particular way. More than 20 years later he repeated the experiment with the women those babies had grown into and who now had babies themselves. Astoundingly, they all held their babies in exactly the same way as they had been held by their mothers, although of course they had no conscious memories from those early years. One of the things Braselton proved with this experiment was that we are influenced in our behavior by our unconscious memories. And those memories can be life affirming and affectionate or traumatic and destructive.”

It is my opinion, that It is not the Narcissist’s fault for developing such a Personality Disorder. It is up to you whether you want to get involved, in any kind of a relationship, with a Personality Disordered individual.

So recapping the two biggest and in my opinion most important Red Flags of a Narcissist. If you learn that the person was not raised by their Birth Mother that is IMHO the most important and biggest of all the Red Flags. Major issues with their Birth Mother is another confirming major Red Flag.

The more Red Flags that you can spot, the higher the probability that you are interacting with a Personality Disordered Individual.

Watch for the Red Flags.

Homosexual, Lesbian, BiSexual and TransSexual Narcissists

Narcissists will form relationships with whomever they can. Just because they are in a “traditional” marriage, does not mean that they are strictly “heterosexual”.

Narcissistic Injury can also flip sexual preference. For example: A female Somatic Narcissist who gets rejected and dumped for a far better source of Narcissist Supply by her male Cerebral Narcissist lover, may go through an Abandonment Trauma event and suffer a major Narcissistic Injury, So she then seeks out sexual relationships with other women.

The only stability is from adamantly Lesbian or Gay Narcissists. Yes they can seek new partners, but will not look for a heterosexual type of relationship. It’s the “pretend” heterosexual Narcissists, who could swing either way.

That leads to a Sam Vaknin article titled “

 Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists

Frequently Asked Questions # 18

Homosexual narcissists are auto-erotic and somatic: they leverage their body and sexuality to obtain narcissistic supply.

 Transsexual narcissists feel entitled to special treatment and cosseting.

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 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love – Buy the Book – Click HERE!!!

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Sam Vaknin has given permission to share his article, as follows:

Question:

What is the typical profile of a homosexual narcissist? Why is he always on a lookout for new victims? Is he lying or is he telling the truth when he says that he “wants to get laid” by one and all? If he is not suicidal, is he not afraid of AIDS?

Answer:

Research failed to find any substantive difference between the psychological make-up of a narcissist who happens to have homosexual preferences – and a heterosexual narcissist.

They both are predators, devouring Narcissistic Supply Sources as they go. Narcissists look for new victims, the way tigers look for prey – they are hungry. Hungry for adoration, admiration, acceptance, approval, and any other kind of attention. Old sources die easy – once taken for granted, the narcissistic element of conquest vanishes.

Conquest is important because it proves the superiority of the narcissist. The very act of subduing, subjugating, or acquiring the power to influence someone provides the narcissist with Narcissistic Supply. The newly conquered idolise the narcissist and serve as a trophies.

The act of conquering and subordinating is epitomized by the sexual encounter – an objective and atavistic interaction. Making love to someone means that the consenting partner finds the narcissist (or one or more of his traits, such as his intelligence, his physique, even his money) irresistible.

The distinction between passive and active sexual partners is mechanical, false, superfluous and superficial. Penetration does not make one of the parties “the stronger one”. To cause someone to have sex with you is a powerful stimulus – and always provokes a sensation of omnipotence. Whether one is physically passive or active – one is always psychosexually active.

Anyone who has unsafe sex is gambling with his life – though the odds are much smaller than public hysteria would have us believe. Reality does not matter, though – it is the perception of reality that matters. Getting this close to (perceived) danger is the equivalent of engaging in self-destruction (suicide). Narcissists are, at times, suicidal and are always self-destructive.

There is, however, one element, which might be unique to homosexuals: the fact that their self-definition hinges on their sexual identity. I know of no heterosexual who would use his sexual preferences to define himself almost fully. Homosexuality has been inflated to the level of a sub-culture, a separate psychology, or a myth. This is typical of persecuted minorities. However, it does have an influence on the individual. Preoccupation with body and sex makes most homosexual narcissists SOMATIC narcissists.

Moreover, the homosexual makes love to a person of the SAME sex – in a way, to his REFLECTION. In this respect, homosexual relations are highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs.

This article appears in my book, “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”

Click HERE to buy the print edition from Amazon (click HERE to buy a copy dedicated by the author)

Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble

Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive a BONUS PACK

Click HERE to buy electronic books (e-books) and video lectures (DVDs) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships

Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of sixteen electronic books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships

 Click HERE for SPECIAL OFFER 1 and HERE for SPECIAL OFFER 2

 Follow me on Twitter, Facebook (my personal page or the book’s), YouTube

The somatic narcissist directs his libido at his body (as opposed to the cerebral narcissist, who concentrates upon his intellect). He cultivates it, nourishes and nurtures it, is often an hypochondriac, dedicates an inordinate amount of time to its needs (real and imaginary). It is through his body that this type of narcissist tracks down and captures his Supply Sources.

The supply that the somatic narcissist so badly requires is derived from his form, his shape, his build, his profile, his beauty, his physical attractiveness, his health, his age. He downplays Narcissistic Supply directed at other traits. He uses sex to reaffirm his prowess, his attractiveness, or his youth. Love, to him, is synonymous with sex and he focuses his learning skills on the sexual act, the foreplay and the coital aftermath.

Seduction becomes addictive because it leads to a quick succession of Supply Sources. Naturally, boredom (a form of transmuted aggression) sets in once the going gets routine. Routine is counter-narcissistic by definition because it threatens the narcissist’s sense of uniqueness.

An interesting side issue relates to transsexuals.

Philosophically, there is little difference between a narcissist who seeks to avoid his True Self (and positively to become his False Self) – and a transsexual who seeks to discard his true gender. But this similarity, though superficially appealing, is questionable.

People sometimes seek sex reassignment because of advantages and opportunities which, they believe, are enjoyed by the other sex. This rather unrealistic (fantastic) view of the other is faintly narcissistic. It includes elements of idealised over-valuation, of self-preoccupation, and of objectification of one’s self. It demonstrates a deficient ability to empathise and some grandiose sense of entitlement (“I deserve to be taken care of”) and omnipotence (“I can be whatever I want to be – despite nature/God”).

This feeling of entitlement is especially manifest in some gender dysphoric individuals who aggressively pursue hormonal or surgical treatment. They feel that it is their inalienable right to receive it on demand and without any strictures or restrictions. For instance, they oftentimes refuse to undergo psychological evaluation or treatment as a condition for the hormonal or surgical treatment.

It is interesting to note that both narcissism and gender dysphoria are early childhood phenomena. This could be explained by problematic Primary Objects, dysfunctional families, or a common genetic or biochemical problem. It is too early to say which. As yet, there isn’t even an agreed typology of gender identity disorders – let alone an in-depth comprehension of their sources.

A radical view, proffered by Ray Blanchard, seems to indicate that pathological narcissism is more likely to be found among non-core, ego-dystonic, autogynephilic transsexulas and among heterosexual transvestites. It is less manifest in core, ego-syntonic, homosexual transsexuals.

Autogynephilic transsexuals are subject to an intense urge to become the opposite sex and, thus, to be rendered the sexual object of their own desire. In other words, they are so sexually attracted to themselves that they wish to become both lovers in the romantic equation – the male and the female. It is the fulfilment of the ultimate narcissistic fantasy with the False Self as a fetish (“narcissistic fetish”).

Autogynephilic transsexuals start off as heterosexuals and end up as either bisexual or homosexual. By shifting his/her attentions to men, the male autogynephilic transsexual “proves” to himself that he has finally become a “true” and desirable woman.

Asexual – or Autosexual?

The label “asexual” has come to signify anyone who does not feel the need to engage in partnered sex. This is misleading. People who avoid having sex with others, but masturbate on a regular basis and as an exclusive sexual outlet are not asexual – they are autosexual.

All autosexuals are autoerotic, but only a minority of autoerotics are autosexual. Autoeroticism more frequently finds expression via activities such as same-sex partnerships (homosexuality) or incest (which is sex with the living expression of one’s own genetic makeup).

Also Read

The Natural Roots of Sexuality

The Roots of Pedophilia

Gender and the Narcissist

Sex and Gender

The Pathology of Love

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide

The World of the Narcissist

The Narcissistic Couple

Physique Dysmorphique

Narcissists and Women

The Two Loves of the Narcissist

Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man

That Thing Between a Man and a Woman

Ethical Relativism and Absolute Taboos

The Offspring of Aeolus: On the Incest Taboo

Psychosexual Stages of Development

Sex and Personality Disorders

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity

Narcissists, Psychopaths, Sex, and Marital Fidelity

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Getting back together with your Narcissist, to give them a second chance.

Getting back together with your Narcissist, to give them a second chance.

Once was not enough. The Narcissists has swept you off your feet again. You want so much to give them a second chance. There are promises that they will change. Good Luck...

In this video, Sam Vaknin provides details of what is going on in the mind of the Narcissist, when they get you to return back into their web of influence and control. When dealing with Narcissists, your Reality and their Reality can be entirely different.

The birth or creation of Evil. Are Narcissists born with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Or are Narcissists created?

Sam Vaknin‘s post on Psych daily titled “Narcissism, Pathological is an excellent place to start. Sam presents assorted psychological views about the cause of Narcissism, starting with Freud’s work.

Beth K. McDonald presented a paper in September, 2013. It was titled “Out of the Mirror: A Workbook of Healing for Adult Children of Covert Narcissists

The personality traits of covert narcissism and codependency in adult children who grew up in narcissistic family systems, are examined in Beth K. McDonald’s paper.

Click on this line to visit the Adler Graduate School webpage where you can download Beth K. McDonald’s paper.

Joseph Burgo, in a radio interview, alluded to the coincidence that many diagnosed Narcissists had been abandoned in their early childhood. They were adopted out. They were transferred to other family members (Grandparents) to be cared for.

Sam Vaknin wrote something confirming this in a review of the book titled “The Abandoned Child Within: On Losing and Regaining Self-Worth

Sam Vaknin wrote:

“Underneath this colourful maelstrom lies an hypothesis: pathological narcissism is the direct outcome of early childhood abuse and trauma, mainly in the form of abandonment or neglect. Narcissism, in other words, is a defense against hurt and emotional injury.”.

Childhood trauma of Rejection and Abandonment, could help explain a Narcissist’s extreme fear of “Rejection”.

Alice Miller has written a post on her site which ties a number of things together. Her post is titled: “The Ignorance or How we produce the Evil”. I’ll  have more quotes below, from that Alice Miller post.

What I am sharing in this post is not meant to be an excuse for any Emotional Abuse and Psychological Manipulation by Narcissists. Brain Scans prove that those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder have specific differences in their Brain Scans when compared to Brain Scans of people who not suffer from NPD.

Alice Miller wrote in her post:

“All the childhood histories of serial killers and dictators I have examined showed them without exception to have been the victims of extreme cruelty”. Major Human Brain development starts during Childhood.”

Alice Miller also wrote :

“Children who are given love, respect, understanding, kindness, and warmth will naturally develop different characteristics from those who experience neglect, contempt, violence or abuse, and never have anyone they can turn to for kindness and affection. Such absence of trust and love is a common denominator in the formative years of all the dictators I have studied. The result is that these children will tend to glorify the violence inflicted upon them and later to take advantage of every possible opportunity to exercise such violence, possibly on a gigantic scale. Children learn by imitation. Their bodies do not learn what we try to instill in them by words but what they have experienced physically. Battered, injured children will learn to batter and injure others; sheltered, respected children will learn to respect and protect those weaker than themselves. Children have nothing else to go on but their own experiences.”

>Born innocent

The well-known American pediatrician Dr. Brazelton once filmed a group of mothers holding and feeding their babies, each in her own particular way. More than 20 years later he repeated the experiment with the women those babies had grown into and who now had babies themselves. Astoundingly, they all held their babies in exactly the same way as they had been held by their mothers, although of course they had no conscious memories from those early years. One of the things Braselton proved with this experiment was that we are influenced in our behavior by our unconscious memories. And those memories can be life affirming and affectionate or traumatic and destructive.”

“In the 1970s the French gynecologist Frédéric Leboyer demonstrated that babies delivered without physical force and given a loving reception by their immediate environment show no signs of desperate crying or any kind of destructiveness. In fact they will even smile only a few minutes after birth. As long as they are not separated after birth, as was the custom in the 1950s, mother and child will develop a relationship of trust that will have positive repercussions on the entire further course of the children’s lives. In the physical presence of her baby, the mother will produce the so-called love hormone (oxytocin) enabling her intuitively to understand the signals emitted by the child and to care for its needs by a process of empathy. These phenomena are described by Michel Odent in his latest book (“The Scientification of Love”, London, Free Association, 1999).”

There are always two sides to every coin. Actually there are three, as we often forget about the sharp edge of the coin. So it may be with Narcissists. that one side of the coin indicates that the Evil could be created and not genetic. The other side of the very same coin, points to everyone being born Narcissistic.

Sam Vankin wrote in his post titled “Narcissism, Pathological:

“It is the psychoanalytic belief that we are all Narcissists at an early stage of our lives. As infants and toddlers we all feel that we are the center of the Universe, the most important, omnipotent and omniscient beings.

At that phase of our development, our parents are perceived by us to be mythical figures, immortal and awesomely powerful, there solely to cater to our needs, to protect and nourish us.

Both Self and others are viewed immaturely, as idealizations. This, in the psychodynamic models, is called the phase of “primary” narcissism.

Inevitably, the inexorable processes and conflicts of life erode these perceptions and reduce the ideal into the the real.

Adaptation is a process of disillusionment. If this process is abrupt, inconsistent, unpredictable, capricious, arbitrary and intense – the injuries sustained by the infant’s tender, budding, self-esteem, are severe and, often, irreversible. Moreover, the empathic support of our caretakers (the Primary Objects, the parents) is crucial. In its absence, our sense of self-worth and self-esteem in adulthood tends to fluctuate, to alternate between over-valuation (idealization) and devaluation of both Self and others. Narcissistic adults are widely thought to be the result of bitter disappointment, of radical disillusionment in the significant others in their infancy. Healthy adults accept their self-limitations (the boundaries and limitations of their selves). They accept disappointments, setbacks, failures, criticism and disillusionment with grace and tolerance. Their self-esteem is constant and positive, not substantially affected by outside events, no matter how severe.”

As young children they felt abandoned and alone, without anyone showing them any Love and Empathy. They were adopted out to strangers. They were sent off to live away from their Mothers to be taken care of a relative such as a Grandparent. Such relatives may not be the kindest and most loving people. Their Inner Child holds on to that. Then as an adult, they are incapable of showing Love and Empathy for others. Their Inner Child also has a major fear of being rejected and abandoned, yet again.

It also explains a common thread which I have witnessed, in that Narcissists have “major issues” with their Mothers. Those issues are also projected onto all other females, because the Mother who abandoned the Child was a female.

When the Evil is created, no amount of therapy can undo the damage. Brain Scans prove that Narcissist’s brains function differently. The childhood trauma may have created physical changes in Brain Function as the young Brain was starting to develop, not just psychological changes.

The debate whether Narcissists are born or they are created, will continue as long as there will be Narcissists. The answer may in fact be along the edge of that coin, as it connects both sides of the coin. Maybe both Genetics and Environment play roles in creating said Evil. The Evil being nothing more than an adaptation by the Narcissist to try and survive the childhood trauma and genetics. Life is rarely Back & White.

This all could amount to yet another “Red Flag” to look for. Was the person adopted? Was the new love of your life, raised by their Mother or by someone else? If they were raise by someone other than their birth Mother, how does their face look when they speak about the people who raised them? Body language and facial expression can often tell you more than spoken words. They can say that they loved the person who brought them up, but their facial expression could display sadness or anger.

If you get a gut feeling that their words do not match their facial expressions, then ask more questions and watch their face and body language. Do they go into a defensive posture (ex fold their arms in front of them, before or as they answer you)Answers to those types of questions, could give you clues about individuals who “may” very well be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder due to very early Childhood Trauma created when they were just an infant and or toddler. Unfortunately, Narcissists do not come with “Warning” labels.

Originally posted to https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Sam Vaknin dicusses the differences between Somatic and Cerebral Narcissists

A well articulated and honest video discussing the differences between Somatic Narcissists and Cerebral Narcissists.

When two Narcissists get into a relationship (a Union made in Narcissistic Heaven), one is often Somatic while the other is Cerebral.That way they do not compete with each other for Narcissistic Supply. Each one can act a Source of Narcissistic Supply for the other.

Video s courtesy of the Sam Vaknin YouTube channel

Dr. Sam Vaknin’s website can be found at:
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html
The Sam Vaknin YouTUbe channel can be found at;
http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin

The following was written by Dr. Sam Vaknin. It elaborates on the video above. Thanks go out to Dr. Sam Vaknin for allowing us to share this here.

Narcissists are either cerebral or somatic. In other words, they either generate their Narcissistic Supply by applying their bodies or by applying their minds.

The somatic narcissist flaunts his sexual conquests, parades his possessions, exhibits his muscles, brags about his physical aesthetics, youthfulness, sexual prowess or exploits, and is often a health freak and a hypochondriac. The somatic narcissist regards his body as an object to be sculpted and honed (via extreme diets, multiple cosmetic surgeries, bodybuilding, or weightlifting). When coupled with psychopathic tendencies, the somatic appropriates other people’s bodies and treats these as “raw materials” to be dismembered, tampered with, altered, invaded, or otherwise abused.

Somatic narcissists are often portrayed as sex addicts or histrionic. But really they derive their narcissistic supply not so much from the sex act as from the process of securing it: the conspiracies and assignations, the chase and conquest, the subjugation and habituation of their targets, and even from dumping and discarding their prey, once having extracted the attention and admiration they had sought. These extracurricular activities endow them with a sense of omnipotence and all-pervasive control. Their sway over their paramours and would-be lovers proves to them (and to others) their uniqueness, desirability and irresistibility.

The cerebral narcissist is a know-it-all, haughty and intelligent “computer”. He uses his awesome intellect, or knowledge (real or pretended) to secure adoration, adulation and admiration. To him, his body and its maintenance are a burden and a distraction.

Both types are auto-erotic (psychosexually in love with themselves, with their bodies and with their brain). Both types prefer masturbation to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and emotion-laden sex.

The cerebral narcissist is often celibate (even when he has a girlfriend or a spouse). He prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. The cerebral narcissist is sometimes a latent (hidden, not yet outed) homosexual.

The somatic narcissist uses other people’s bodies to masturbate. Sex with him – pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside – is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator.

It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral – or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt.

The narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive type. The latter is expressed mainly as a result of a major narcissistic injury or life crisis.

I can give you hundreds of examples from my correspondence but, instead, let’s talk about me (of course…:o))

(continued below)

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This article appears in my book, “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”

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I am a cerebral narcissist. I brandish my brainpower, exhibit my intellectual achievements, bask in the attention given to my mind and its products. I hate my body and neglect it. It is a nuisance, a burden, a derided appendix, an inconvenience, a punishment. Needless to add that I rarely have sex (often years apart). I masturbate regularly, very mechanically, as one would change water in an aquarium. I stay away from women because I perceive them to be ruthless predators who are out to consume me and mine.

I have had quite a few major life crises. I got divorced, lost millions a few times, did time in one of the worst prisons in the world, fled countries as a political refugee, was threatened, harassed and stalked by powerful people and groups. I have been devalued, betrayed, denigrated and insulted.

Invariably, following every life crisis, the somatic narcissist in me took over. I became a lascivious lecher. When this happened, I had a few relationships – replete with abundant and addictive sex – going simultaneously. I participated in and initiated group sex and mass orgies. I exercised, lost weight and honed my body into an irresistible proposition.

This outburst of unrestrained, primordial lust waned in a few months and I settled back into my cerebral ways. No sex, no women, no body.

These total reversals of character stun my mates. My girlfriends and spouse found it impossible to digest this eerie transformation from the gregarious, darkly handsome, well-built and sexually insatiable person that swept them off their feet – to the bodiless, bookwormish hermit with not an inkling of interest in either sex or other carnal pleasures.

I miss my somatic half. I wish I could find a balance, but I know it is a doomed quest. This sexual beast of mine will forever be trapped in the intellectual cage that is I, Sam Vaknin, the Brain.


Sin of self-love possesseth all mine eye
And all my soul and all my every part;
And for this sin there is no remedy,
It is so grounded inward in my heart.
Methinks no face so gracious is as mine,
No shape so true, no truth of such account;
And for myself mine own worth do define,
As I all other in all worths surmount.
But when my glass shows me myself indeed,
Beated and chopp’d with tann’d antiquity,
Mine own self-love quite contrary I read;
Self so self-loving were iniquity.
‘Tis thee, myself, that for myself I praise,
Painting my age with beauty of thy days.

(Sonnet 62, William Shakespeare)

 

Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A Being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the Sceptic side,
With too much weakness for the Stoic’s pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or Beast;
In doubt his mind or body to prefer;
Born but to die, and reas’ning but to err;
Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
Whether he thinks too little, or too much;
Chaos of Thought and Passion, all confus’d;
Still by himself, abus’d or disabus’d;
Created half to rise and half to fall;
Great Lord of all things, yet a prey to all,
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl’d;
The glory, jest and riddle of the world.

(Essay on Man, Alexander Pope)

Copyright (c) Dr. Sam Vaknin All Rights Reserved.

Posted on this site thanks to the express permission granted by Dr. Sam Vaknin.

 

https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Alien Life Forms lack Empathy for others, just like Narcissists

Empathy for others, is a large part of what makes us “Human Beings”.

Lack of Empathy is an Alien or Reptilian quality.

Empathy does not register in their mind. Maybe it is because of Childhood Trauma. Maybe no one gave a shit about them, when they were a young child and really needed someone to care, but no one did. Childhood Abandonment Issues is one thing which Narcissists seem to have in common.

Video is courtesy of the Sam Vaknin YouTUbe channel

 

 

Posted to https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

How male Narcissists pick their female targets / victims

This is a very informative video by Sam Vaknin. It details how male Narcissists pick their female targets / victims.

Video is courtesy of the Narcissism Videos YouTube channel

In Summary, how do Narcissists pick their female partners?

Below are three key quotes from Sam Vaknin’s presentation:

Usually, they choose for partners submissive women whom they disdain for being well below their intellectual level.

 

They team up with women who serve as Sources of SNS (Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman’s chores are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply (by witnessing the narcissist’s “moments of glory”) and release it in an orderly manner to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply and compensate in times of deficient supply.

 

Most male narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and moulded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, and emotionally dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension at all women.

The Narcissist is always “testing the waters“, always looking for a new source of Narcissistic Supply, The potential New Targets are almost always below the Narcissist’s Intellectual level, otherwise the Narcissist would not get the rush from feeling “superior”.

A very good additional article which sheds more light is Titled:
The Narcissists Addiction to Narcissistic Supply

Posted to https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Can Two Narcissists form a relationship and stay together as a Couple?

I have worked with Narcissists who were in a relationship with each other. For the life of me I could not understand how two Narcissists could like each other, let alone develop a relationship.

In the video below Sam Vaknin details how such a Narcissistic Union, can be made in “Narcissistic Heaven”

Video is courtesy of the Sam Vaknin YouTube channel

 

Posted to https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com