In a healthy relationship, partners naturally try to be there for each other. In the mind of a Disordered Individual, you are there to serve their own needs and your needs do not matter.
In a healthy relationship there can be Open Dialogue between the two partners. In a relationship with a Disordered Individual their monologue is what is important. They do NOT care to listen to what you have to say.
I came across a great article which discusses what I would call 8 Red Flags to watch out for.
Red Flags are mentioned on this site very often. They are important signs which can help one learn that they are in a relationship with a Disordered Individual.
Jodie met Chris on Facebook. Jodie mentioned that Chris was “very charming”. Disordered individuals can be extremely charming. Within 10 months they were married. Disordered individuals are well versed in Love Bombing.
Within months of the marriage, her husband started to control Jodie. Major Red Flag.
Jodie was also systematically isolated from her friends and family. He made sure that he had cut her off her from any possible support. Major Red Flag.
Video courtesy of the From Surviving To Thriving!! YouTube channel
Only he had access to the bank account. Another Major Red Flag.
The physical abuse then heraled the post Love Bombing phase. He now had total control of Jodie. It started with him spitting at her face. NOT a wonderful sign of affection between and husband and his wife.
It is hard to admit that one made a mistake of getting into a relationship with a disordered individual. Seek Help by visiting your local Law Enforcement agency. There are support lines which can provide guidance. Spitting in her face was nothing compared to what he did to her later. She became his punching bag.
When she was pregnant with his child, he physically attacked and punched the hell out of her.
Please click on this link to visit THE SUN‘s website to read their exclusive article about what happened to Jodie Bywater.
I hope that something like this will never happen to you !!!
See how many Red Flags you can spot. This is a horrific story. It opens our eyes to the fact that Disordered Individuals are out there. Watch for those Red Flags.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula Ph.D, an Expert on Narcisissism, authored the book titled “Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship“.
Video courtesy of the LAHWF YouTube Channel
Dr. Ramani Durvasula repeatedly mentions that Narcissists are made. I fully agree. Due to trauma during their early years, a Narcissist’s brain becoming hard wired differently. Brian scans confirm this. Once the “damaged” child grows up, you cannot change the way that their brain works.
Therapy cannot “fix” Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Click on the following link to visit Oprah.com where there is a Quiz by Dr. Ramani Durvasula titled “Is Your Partner a Narcissist?”.
Please read The New Yorker article linked to below.
Always watch for any Red Flags when in a relationship.
Be on the lookout for the consistent use of Mirroring.
Going No Contact can protect you,
but it is not easy to do.
Stephen Gane was found guilty and jailed for four years for coercive behaviour and ‘Gaslighting‘ in landmark case. He drove Kellie Sutton to hang herself, only five month after beginning a relationship with her.
Kellie was a Mother of 3 children. She had been single for a couple of years before she was targeted by Stephen Gane.
Her grieving family read the following in court: “Kellie was a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a great grand daughter and a mother. She was caring, funny, affectionate, bubbly and kind. She was a loyal friend – the kind of person who would go out of their way to help others. She could not bear to see anyone suffering and would put herself out to help anyone. She didn’t have a bad bone in her body.“
From this we can see that Kellie was an Empath. Disordered Individuals can spot an Empath from a mile away. Within weeks of meeting her, Steven moved into “her house”.
Kellie’s friend had this to say “I told her to stay away from him because he seemed controlling.”. She disliked Stephen and you can be sure Stephen made sure that Kellie was kept away from her friends.
Stephen Gane denied hurting Kellie. He said they loved each other but their relationship was sometimes ‘volatile’. Disordered Individuals will never admit to doing anything wrong.
He was found guilty of actual bodily harm and one charge of assault by beating. One must assume that splitting her head open, was his way of showing his Love and Affection.
Disordered Individual will target someone (like you) to “USE” you. Note that Stephen Mane showed “No evidence of sadness or regret“. Disordered Individual could care less about others. They do not care how much pain and sorrow they create for others, as long they get what they WANT.
There are MILLIONS of Disordered Individuals, like Staphen Gane, out there. Please watch for the Red Flags. Please listen to your friends, who may spot odd behaviour which signal danger to them.
The only positive thing which will come from the death of this young woman is that she gave her life to spare her children untold horrors which were waiting for them. Imagine having someone like Stephen Gane being the father figure to her three kids? He would have destroyed those kids. Over the 5 months that he lived in Kellie’s house, I’m sure that her kids were tramatized. I hope that they can receive Psychiatric help to help get over the loss of their Mother and over the Traumas caused by Stephen Gane.
The most horrible thought is that he will get out of jail and will seek a new victim. Disordered Individuals cannot be fixed. Their brains are hard wired differently.
A relationship to a Disordered Individual, such as a Narcissist, is all about them gaining Control over their Target.
You will note one Major Red Flag and Danger Sign mentioned in this video. The Target/Victim became ISOLATED from Friends and Family. A Disordered Individual will work to isolate the Target. That allows greater control of the Target. As you become more and more Isolated, you will become much more vulnerable. Kellie Sutton became isolated and her only option to escape was Suicide.
Click on this link to read the Daily Mail article titled “Mother’s heartbreak after daughter was driven to suicide by her former soldier boyfriend as he is jailed for four years for coercive behaviour and ‘gaslighting’ in landmark case“.
A really good video, which explains how you became attached to your Narcissist.
Video is courtesy of the Balance Psychologies YouTube channel
Updated yet again on Apr 28 2017.
Stockholm Syndrome (Trauma Bonding) is said to keep those being abused, in the abusive relationship. They cannot leave their abuser.
I am posting this because I believe there is something to learn from the Rat Cage / Rat Park experiments.
I believe that victims of relationship abuse are stuck in the equivalent of an empty Rat Cage. They feel alone and not connected to anyone who cares about them. They may have been isolated from Family and Friends by physically moving to a different city. Abusers instinctively seem to know that if they can isolate someone, then they can control them and physically or mentally abuse them without outside interference. Again without a support structure, the victim is alone as in the isolated Rat Cage.
The drug in this scenario is the Abuser. Just as Rats isolated in a Rat Cage became addicted, so do the Abuse Victims. If the Victim does leave, then they could suffer from PTSD or worse. They will constantly think about the Abuser and often return to their Abuser, even after horrific physical abuse. In my opinion, this is highly similar to addiction.
Further proof of this concept comes from the same Rat Cage / Rat Park experiment. When the isolated and heavily addicted rats are moved out of an isolated environment into a Rat Park with lots of other rats and lots of stimulating things to do and play with, they lose their addiction.
Going further, Victims of abuse need to move into a Rat Park environment. They need to be among people who care. Friends and family who will morally support them. They need to also have fun. Being abused is “NOT FUN”. I suspect that once the victim is moved into a Rat Park type environment, then their addiction to the abuser could dissipate without symptoms of PTSD etc.
That brings up the lack of such a Rat Park environment for Abuse Victims. They should be surrounded by people who care, people who will try to help them. People who will talk to them. One common theme from Victims going thru forms of Therapy is that they cry their eyes out during the therapy sessions. They have no one to talk to. They feel that no one cares. Like the Rats in the isolated Rat cage. The Rats become addicted to the point of destroying themselves. Victims become addicted to their Abuser. For many victims this addiction destroys them. In my opinion, the Rat Park experiment shows the need to create a Human equivalent of a Rat Park for Victims of Abuse, so that victims can end their “Addiction” to their Abuser.
We have Women’s Shelters filled with women seeking help but percentage wise rather few “Helpers”. We have Therapy, which costs money that the abuse Victim may not have. No money, equals No Help. We have Public Housing, but with long waiting lists. We have legal aid for people convicted of a crime, but Victims of Relationship Abuse may not “qualify”. Society has a disorienting and disconnected patchwork of supposed help and so Victims cannot get away. It may not just be Trauma Bonding which is holding them back. As a society, we do not have an all inclusive support system, like a Rat Park human equivalent environment, to help Abuse Victims if they want to leave their Abuser, Heal and Recover. So they remain “stuck” in Abusive Relationships.
I have received email comments suggesting that it may be the Victim’s lack of confidence to express their feeling that could be at fault. A Victim’s typical inability to establish and enforce clear boundaries is in my opinion, a Learned Survival Mechanism. During early childhood, we learn how to survive in our home environment. Some kids are lucky and are born into loving and caring families. Other kids are not so lucky and have to adapt and learn behaviors to survive. That applies to Disordered Individuals also. One’s early childhood helps to form the future Adult. The work of the late Alice Miller readily comes to mind. I have referred to Abysmal Parenting or the lack of Parenting as being the primary cause of adult dysfunction. Many a Narcissist was not raised by their Birth Mother for example. On the other hand, when a Victim is physically being beaten Black and Blue, IMHO clearly the Abuser is at fault and “not” the Victim.
Video is courtesy of the Alice Miller YouTube channel
There was a video posted here of an English couple. The Husband gave his wife a couple of black eyes one night. The Police showed up and his attitude was as if nothing wrong happened. He called out to his wife and asked if she wanted to speak to the Police. Thankfully the Police had body video recorders running.
I have a friend who was isolated to a different country by a very Disordered Individual. Once isolated, the abuse became physical. One time she was beaten so badly that she ended up being hospitalized for months. It was not her inability to speak up for herself that is to blame. If you start to speak up for yourself to a very disordered individual, you could very well be beaten Black and Blue. IMHO the Abuser is at fault and they are totally responsible for their behavior. View the video in the link shown above. Getting two black eyes was not the Victim’s fault.
I believe that when one learns about the Red Flags and if one starts to see multiple Red Flags on a consistent basis then one is able to get a better idea of who one is interacting with. It has nothing to do with putting labels on people before they do anything wrong. If one does not take heed of those Red Flags and falls prey to an Abuser, then it’s too late. Yes, people are out there who abuse other people. Yes, there are people with Codependent Traits and lots of Empathy, who seem to be attracted to those who abuse. Those who will abuse others also seem to be rather attracted to those who have lots of Empathy and Codependent traits. People call someone an Abuser after they have abused someone. It is not a matter of innocent until proven guilty. They get called that label because they have abused their victim. All abuse is bad, but some abuse is horrific.
I’m posting this for everyone to think about it. The videos below give more details about Dr. Bruce Alexander and his Rat Park experiment. BTW that Rat Park experiment has been repeated many times, with the same results. So it has been scientifically proven.
Video is courtesy of the MinuteVideos YouTUbe channel
Video is courtesy of the Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell YouTube channel
Video is courtesy of The Agenda with Steve Paikin YouTube channel
This is a seldom mentioned Red Flag. Narcissists could try to isolate their Target / Victim from friends and family.
When you are isolated, you can be very easily controlled and manipulated.
When you are isolated, there is a greater possibility of the Narcissist’s abuse escalating and becoming physical.
Video is courtesy of the From Surviving To Thriving!! YouTube channel
Attempts to isolate you can be Early Warning Signs. Watch for this Narcissist Red Flag.
Ran across this post on the Experience Project site.
See if you can pick up on some of the Narcissist’s Red Flags in that post. Things like Love Bombing, Blame Shifting and not taking responsibility for their actions (it’s always your fault).
Susan Carnicero had spent over 20 years performing interviews, interrogations and polygraph examinations, as a Security Specialist with the CIA.
She had also developed behavioral screening programs, that are used by the U.S. Federal Government.
Uniquely Narcissistic focuses on the Red Flags of Disordered Individuals. One of the Red Flags and Traits of Narcissists (and also of Sociopaths and Psychopaths) is that they are Proficient Liars, because they get lots of practice.
Susan Carnicero’s discusses what to watch for, when someone is trying to Lie to you.
Video is courtesy of the Digiday YouTube channel
Susan Carnicero is also the author of the book titled: “Get the Truth: Former CIA Officers Teach You How to Persuade Anyone to Tell All“.
A special note of Thanks to Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D for permitting us to share his article:
Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist
Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. There are a variety of “bad choices” that may be encountered each week – most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled “The Loser”.
“The Loser” is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present – it’s not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.
1. Rough Treatment “The Loser” will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Non verbal communication is far more powerful,
than spoken words.
The Narcissists will try to in effect “Morph” into you, their target.
Predators use Mirroring all the time.
Please make sure that you watch for it.
Video is courtesy of the Petra Van Deijl YouTube channel
Mirroring can establish rapport with the individual who is being mirrored, as the similarities in nonverbal gestures allow the individual to feel more connected with the person exhibiting the mirrored behavior. As the two individuals in the situation display similar nonverbal gestures, they may believe that they share similar attitudes and ideas as well. Mirror neurons react to and cause these movements, allowing the individuals to feel a greater sense of engagement and belonging within the situation.
The above Wikipedia text was taken from the following ref:
Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring people: The new science of how we connect with others. New York, NY: Picador.
If you catch someone Mirroring you, consider that as being a major Red Flag that you could be interacting with a Predator Narcissist.
Ask yourself: Why would someone be using a Major Psychological Control Technique against you?
In my opinion, the worst part of any kind of relationship with a Narcissist, happens when the relationship ends. That is when Narcissists start their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign directed against you. The damage can be both Financial (at your job), as well as Emotional.
Their Back Stabbing and Smear Campaign is the Narcissist’s gift to you, which just keeps on giving….
Red Flags are important to watch for. Narcissists repeat their calculated behavior with each new Target. Learn about the Red Flags commonly displayed by Narcissists and then watch for them.
There is a world of difference between honest Flattery and Calculated Persistent Flattery.
If someone relatively new in your life is consistently flattering you, ask yourself what do they want. Make sure to watch for other Red Flags.
Video is courtesy of the Inner Integration YouTube channel
David Snyder discusses Speed Attraction.
Narcissists and Psychopaths are really good at establishing Rapport and Trust with their Targets. They do this using techniques which are below most people’s radar. Mirroring is a major Psychological Mind Control Technique used by Narcissists. Therapists may also use Mirroring to establish Trust with their patients. Trust can be real and created via shared experience, or false Trust can be programmed into someone’s mind and they will have no clue that they were manipulated.
Video is courtesy of the David Snyder YouTube channel
There is a video featured in a post on this site, by a Harvard Grad named Leslie Morgan Steiner. She was targeted by a Narcissist. She was talked into moving and became isolated from friends and family. Once she was isolated the abuse started and moved to physical abuse.She was programmed not to discuss the abuse with others. In the video she spoke of being physically abused. She stated that at the time her focus was not on the person physically abusing her. Her mind was focused on the false persona presented to her at the beginning of their relationship.
Mirroring and Love Bombing by the Narcissist installs Rapport and Trust deep into the victim’s mind. Again, Leslie focused on the false person whom she had been programmed to fall in love with. Someone who “did not exist”. She dismissed the physical abuse and focused on the false persona. She was very highly educated, yet the Narcissist was able to get inside her mind and manipulate her.
Learning about and then watching for the Red Flags like Mirroring, can give one a clue into the type of individual one is interacting with.
Watch the video and listen carefully to the way that David interacts with the people at his seminar – especially the females. Listen to how he shifts his tonality. He draws the Target in and starts asking question after question. He repeats what he has been told by the Target. He draws the Target in. Narcissists will sound like David, when they interact with their Targets. It is very subtle, yet very powerful and IMHO very dangerous if you are the Target.
Another verbal tactic of the Narcissist is to continually combine the target and themselves in statements they make. Take this statement fed to a Target by a Narc “You don’t Love Me anymore.“ stated as a joke to counter something negative which the Target just said. The Target laughs at the Narc’s statement and the Target’s state is changed. The Negative is thus removed from the Target’s mind. Narcs are really good at countering anything negative. Humor is non threatening and does not set off alarms. Yet the Narc’s stupid statement (given the situation where it had been used), clears the Target’s mind of negative thoughts.
The constant combination of “You” and “Me”, also helps to program a connection in the Target’s mind. All this flies below the radar and never sets off any alarms in the Target’s Mind. Next thing you know, the Target starts to feel that they have met their Soul Mate…
Mirroring is one the most important Red Flags displayed by Narcissists, on a consistent basis.
Mirroring someone can open the door into their mind. You can create “Trust”, “Rapport” and get someone to believe that you and them have established a “Connection”. Most people have never heard of Mirroring, allowing Narcissists to readily use it.
I recall one situation, the Cerebral Narc was standing and talking to some people. His target came by and she bent over placing her elbows on a counter. The Narc spotted her and went over and Mirrored her. He bent over the counter placing his elbows on the counter. She had no clue what was going on. The others also did not notice what the Narc was doing. As his target changed position, so did the Narc. He also started to adjust his tonality to better match her. It was classic. Only the Cerebral Narcissist and myself had any clue that he was manipulating his target.
Video is courtesy of the GilanGorkTV YouTube channel
Cluster-B Disordered individuals, such as Narcissist use Mirroring on a consistent basis (so do Psychopaths). Why ? Because it works. It lets them establish Trust and Rapport with their Target. This shuts down the Target’s natural Fight or Flight protective response.
Learn about Mirroring and then always watch for it.
Dr. David B Hawkins discusses some of the dangers when one gets involved in a relationship with a Narcissist, especially to one’s Self Esteem.
The video also has some sound advice regarding Boundaries.
Video is courtesy of the David Hawkins YouTube channel
The one point that he makes that I disagree with, is about being able to change a Narcissist. It is my opinion, and your mileage may differ, that Narcissism is a Hard Wiring problem caused by major Attachment Trauma(s) suffered when the Narc was a tiny infant. There is no Treatment Protocol for Narcissism, and many Licensed Therapists will agree.
Trauma caused later in life, also changes Brain Chemistry and it is very hard to treat, just ask anyone with PTSD or Complex PTSD, but can be treated.
I also think that it also depends on the depth on the Narcissistic Disorder. A Malignant Narcissist IMHO cannot be changed and it could be dangerous to even try to get them to change. Someone who is not deeply disordered, just maybe could adapt to you setting boundaries etc.