Dr. Ramani Durvasula Ph.D, an Expert on Narcisissism, authored the book titled “Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship“.
Video courtesy of the LAHWF YouTube Channel
Dr. Ramani Durvasula repeatedly mentions that Narcissists are made. I fully agree. Due to trauma during their early years, a Narcissist’s brain becoming hard wired differently. Brian scans confirm this. Once the “damaged” child grows up, you cannot change the way that their brain works.
Therapy cannot “fix” Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Click on the following link to visit Oprah.com where there is a Quiz by Dr. Ramani Durvasula titled “Is Your Partner a Narcissist?”.
A really good video, which explains how you became attached to your Narcissist.
Video is courtesy of the Balance Psychologies YouTube channel
Rhonda Freeman, Ph.D. details the differences between Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Malignant Narcissism, and Psychopathy. There are great similarities and also major differences. It’s a spectrum of disorders.
Video is courtesy of the Rhonda Freeman, PhD YouTube channel
Click on this link to visit Rhonda Freeman’s facebook page called Neuroinstincts.
Dr. Elsa Ronningstam presents a very detailed lecture about the symptoms and Traits of those with Borderline Personality Disorder and those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She also discusses the difference between BPD and NPD.
Video is courtesy of the NEA BPD YouTube channel
This video has very good information and lots of it. Unfortunately the good Doctor is not that great a presenter. Might I suggest to break up viewing this video into 10 to 15 minute segments.
Excellent video detailing the differences between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Video is courtesy of the Self-Care Haven YouTube channel
The story hit the AP Newswire. Because it’s copyrighted I can’t post it. There is already a YouTube video which has someone reading the AP report.
The Mail Online site did some further research and included photos of the female and her “ex”, which were not part of the AP News Feed.
Note the quote “didn’t accept being abandoned” (my quoting a few words out of hundreds for education purposes falls under “Fair Use” and I am quoting from the AP post). Interesting choice of words. It must be the victims fault. If she had not abandoned the guy, he would not have burned her alive. Somehow to them, it is always the fault of the victim.
In essence, the Ex followed the victim. Ran her car off the road. Got access to her car interior, while the victim was still in it. Poured alcohol into her car and lit it with a lighter. The victim left her now burning car. The Ex caught up to her. Threw alcohol at her head and lit it. She died from her burns. All that because the Ex “didn’t accept being abandoned”. He sure won her back, did he not.
Such a thing happening once, is one time too many. Yet this kind of thing sadly happens.
I know a female who takes a Taxi home after work, because she is scared of her ex following her if she walks home. That female was a major inspiration for me to setup this site. Her situation is a lot worse than the one in the news article. She’s been hospitalized for months at a time, thanks to her ex. Just imagine looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. Her ex is not just some regular ordinary office worker. She has a black belt in an Asian Martial Art. Her ex has had training way beyond that
People who have suffered Attachment and Abandonment Trauma when they were infants, can become very disordered adults. To suffer an Abandonment Trauma Event as a adult could send the person in two directions. One is to become suicidal over being abandoned. It is real, I’ve seen two somatic female Narcs go that route – both survived.
The other direction is to destroy the person who abandoned them (as in the news article). It comes down to the destruction of self or the other person. Someone has to pay, it’s either me or them. Disordered people have limited choices, especially those at the extreme end of disorders of Narcissism, and Sociopathy. Psychopaths, it is my understanding, would not suffer an Abandonment Trauma Event like say a Malignant Narcissist would. A Psychopath will kill you, because they want to kill you (no excuse needed to motivate them).
Learn the Red Flags to watch out for. If you don’t become involved with a Disordered individual, then you cannot abandon them. You become a non-issue to them, as they have a number of targets lined up to become potential sources of Narcissistic supply for example.
Click on this line to read the NY Post article about this event. The Mail Online article has more detail and photos – see the link further up in this post.
There are many Red Flags given off by Narcissists. Love Bombing for one. Mirroring is a big one, which I tend to consistently harp on about.
There are a couple of key things which the Narcissist will not hide from you. One is in my opinion the “most important Red Flag“. Ask the potential Narcissist about their childhood. Were they brought up by their Birth Mother? If they were still an infant and they were adopted out or given to other family members (say Grand Parents) to be brought up, that is the “most important & biggest Red Flag“.
To better confirm that Red Flag, ask questions about the person’s Birth Mother? If there is any animosity or even outright hatred shown towards their Birth Mother, that is “yet another major Red Flag” which also confirms your perception of the biggest Red Flag.
It is my opinion that Narcissists are created due to Abandonment Trauma(s) suffered while still an infant, before the left hemisphere of the brain is developed. The Trauma(s) change how the Brain Develops – ie it’s a Hardware-Wiring issue and so Narcissists can not be changed via a treatment protocol. MRI Brain Scans seem to confirm “my opinion”.
Joseph Burgo, in a radio interview, alluded to the coincidence that many diagnosed Narcissists had been abandoned in their early childhood. They were adopted out. They were transferred to other family members (Grandparents) to be cared for.
All the Narcissists who I got to know, had issues with their Mother. Yes the issues varied between a coldness to outright disdain.
Sam Vaknin wrote something confirming this in a review of the book titled “The Abandoned Child Within: On Losing and Regaining Self-Worth “
Sam Vaknin wrote:
“Underneath this colourful maelstrom lies an hypothesis: pathological narcissism is the direct outcome of early childhood abuse and trauma, mainly in the form of abandonment or neglect. Narcissism, in other words, is a defense against hurt and emotional injury.”.
A female Somatic Narc had a pronounced dislike of her Mother. In stark contrast, she and her Dad were fine. Events in the past when one is an infant can have profound affects which can last a lifetime.
A Cerebral Narc would not speak to their Mother when she came in tears because her own Mother had just passed away. The Cerebral Narc’s Grandmother dies and the Narc could not be bothered to come and talk and try to comfort their own Mother. . Would a non Cluster-B Disordered Individual, who has Empathy for the suffering of others behave that way?.
Being brought up by other family members like Grand Parents can cause Abandonment Trauma. To the Grand Parents it’s a burden to “have to” feed, cloth and bring up their daughter’s infant child. They already brought up their own kids.
The distrust of the Birth Mother for being abandoned and sent off to live with strangers (yes they are Grand Parents and an adult understands that but an infant sees themselves being dumped off to some strangers) by the Narc can be life long.
Different people love very differently and sadly some not at all. That description includes Grand Parents. The infant had already lost life’s lottery by being born to a Mother who abandoned them and sent them away to live in another place. Good chance that the Grand Parents were not the kindest and most loving of individuals. So the infant losses again and possibly pays for such loss by developing a Personality Disorder which could prevent them from being able to establish and enjoy “Intimate and Loving” relationships.
Alice Miller has written a post on her site which ties a number of things together. Her post is titled: “The Ignorance or How we produce the Evil”. I’ll have some quotes below, from that Alice Miller post.
Alice Miller wrote :
“Children who are given love, respect, understanding, kindness, and warmth will naturally develop different characteristics from those who experience neglect, contempt, violence or abuse, and never have anyone they can turn to for kindness and affection. Such absence of trust and love is a common denominator in the formative years of all the dictators I have studied. The result is that these children will tend to glorify the violence inflicted upon them and later to take advantage of every possible opportunity to exercise such violence, possibly on a gigantic scale. Children learn by imitation. Their bodies do not learn what we try to instill in them by words but what they have experienced physically. Battered, injured children will learn to batter and injure others; sheltered, respected children will learn to respect and protect those weaker than themselves. Children have nothing else to go on but their own experiences.”
As Alice Miler stated “Children have nothing else to go on but their own experience”. If the infant child experienced Abandonment Trauma they they will not know how to Love someone. They will do to someone else, what had been done to to them. They will use them and abandon them.
Alice Miller also wrote :
“The well-known American pediatrician Dr. Brazelton once filmed a group of mothers holding and feeding their babies, each in her own particular way. More than 20 years later he repeated the experiment with the women those babies had grown into and who now had babies themselves. Astoundingly, they all held their babies in exactly the same way as they had been held by their mothers, although of course they had no conscious memories from those early years. One of the things Braselton proved with this experiment was that we are influenced in our behavior by our unconscious memories. And those memories can be life affirming and affectionate or traumatic and destructive.”
It is my opinion, that It is not the Narcissist’s fault for developing such a Personality Disorder. It is up to you whether you want to get involved, in any kind of a relationship, with a Personality Disordered individual.
So recapping the two biggest and in my opinion most important Red Flags of a Narcissist. If you learn that the person was not raised by their Birth Mother that is IMHO the most important and biggest of all the Red Flags. Major issues with their Birth Mother is another confirming major Red Flag.
The more Red Flags that you can spot, the higher the probability that you are interacting with a Personality Disordered Individual.
Watch for the Red Flags.
The first few years (especially the 1st two years) of your life, literally created the type of person that you are today. Attachment Theory has brought forth new discoveries about Human Brain development. It not just about physical needs (blood oxygen etc). Nurture is just as important. Dr. Schore uses the terms “Mother Nature” and also “Mother Nurture“. There is being developed a combined Psychological Development and Biological Development model.
The very young baby has no language. All communications are visual and “emotional”. The baby perceives the world using non-verbal communications. Since the left brain has not started to develop, then all non-verbal communications takes place and develops in the right hemisphere of the brain. The baby communicates and perceives emotion via it’s eyes and “intuition”. As adults we shift to verbal left brain communications
Codependency and Personality Disorders like NPD, BPD and Psychpathy seem to be related to the type of Attachment Trauma experienced by the developing infant. Both the Codependent and the Narcissist seem to have a severe lack of self esteem at their core.
This is a fascinating video where Dr. Schore discusses the cutting edge research, which is changing our knowledge of the development of normal Human Beings and also pf Human Monsters..
Video is courtesy of the Rune Fardal YouTube channel
Click on this line to visit David Baldwin’s Trauma Information Pages to read the study results from a Research Studies by Dr. Allan Schore which was originally published in: Infant Mental Health Journal, 2001. The Research Study results were titled: “The Effects of a Secure Attachment Relationship on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation, & Infant Mental Health“.
Two Narcissists often form relationships, as long as they are of two different type of Narcissists. For example a Somatic Narcissist will not compete for the Narcissist Supply needed by a Cerebral Narcissist and so they can both form a couple..
Another common relationship is between someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. The dance of dysfunction.
A female with BPD will try to control the Narcissist. The term “Golden Vagina” comes into play. The Narcissist needs to also be superior and come out on top. The Narcissist is used to controlling others. Being controlled by the person with BPD will unhinge the Narcissist.
A person with BPD can also quickly flip between Loving the Narcissist and Hating the Narcissist, thus triggering the Narcissist’s fear of losing their source of Narcissistic Supply and extreme fear of abandonment. Hence the Dance of Dysfunction.
Video is courtesy of the Dr Judy WTF YouTube channel
Perfect Pathological Couple = Borderline Personality Disorder female with a male Narcissist. The core which they both share is a childhood trauma of being abandoned. In adults this manifests itself as a strong “Fear of Abandonment“. She fears being abandoned and so will put up with the Narcissist’s use and abuse. He has no empathy for her feelings, which triggers her fear of him leaving her, and further establishes his control over her. She feeds his need for Narcissistic Supply and so he fears losing that Narcissistic Supply.
There is a 2nd video, from, Judy Rosenberg, which is more centered on the female with Borderline Personality Disorder.I’ll try to post it at a later date.
Video is courtesy of the Judy Rosenberg YouTube channel
Video is courtesy of the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors YouTube channel
We all know one. Maybe two. That boss who thinks he or she is a god. That spouse who is never wrong. That co-worker who always finds a scapegoat to take the blame. Are they just irritating people with few social skills or do they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (NPD)
There are certain indicators for NPD. Narcissists will have many, but not all of these:
- Narcissists believe they are better than everyone else. They believe they are better looking, more talented, smarter, their skills are superior. They often express disdain for those whom they consider inferior. They may have a grandiose personality, they may believe they are a god.
- They fantasize about their power, success and attractiveness. They will paint a very attractive picture of their goals, but it’s all smoke and mirrors, to convince you of their superiority.
- They love to talk about themselves. They can often be charming and entertaining…
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“Narcissistic Victim Syndrome….What the heck is that?” was a talk given by “Christine Louis de Canonville” at the Irish Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists in Dublin, in October 2015.
To understand “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome” one must have an understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it’s pathology.
This is an extremely informative talk which sheds much light on the darkness which is Narcissistic Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She speaks of growing up with a Narcissistic Psychopathic brother.
One key mentioned is that once you have been “primed” by a Narcissist, then you attract Narcissists by the boatload.
Please take the time to listen to the whole video. You will be glad that you did.
Watch for the Red Flags which Christine outlines. If you finally realize that you are dealing with a narcissist, then it could be in your best interest to go “No Contact“.
Narcissists have no empathy for others. Christine attests to that, in this video. She discusses the years of Therapy, which she needed, to help her recover from her involvement with a Narcissist.