The story hit the AP Newswire. Because it’s copyrighted I can’t post it. There is already a YouTube video which has someone reading the AP report.
The Mail Online site did some further research and included photos of the female and her “ex”, which were not part of the AP News Feed.
Note the quote “didn’t accept being abandoned” (my quoting a few words out of hundreds for education purposes falls under “Fair Use” and I am quoting from the AP post). Interesting choice of words. It must be the victims fault. If she had not abandoned the guy, he would not have burned her alive. Somehow to them, it is always the fault of the victim.
In essence, the Ex followed the victim. Ran her car off the road. Got access to her car interior, while the victim was still in it. Poured alcohol into her car and lit it with a lighter. The victim left her now burning car. The Ex caught up to her. Threw alcohol at her head and lit it. She died from her burns. All that because the Ex “didn’t accept being abandoned”. He sure won her back, did he not.
Such a thing happening once, is one time too many. Yet this kind of thing sadly happens.
I know a female who takes a Taxi home after work, because she is scared of her ex following her if she walks home. That female was a major inspiration for me to setup this site. Her situation is a lot worse than the one in the news article. She’s been hospitalized for months at a time, thanks to her ex. Just imagine looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. Her ex is not just some regular ordinary office worker. She has a black belt in an Asian Martial Art. Her ex has had training way beyond that
People who have suffered Attachment and Abandonment Trauma when they were infants, can become very disordered adults. To suffer an Abandonment Trauma Event as a adult could send the person in two directions. One is to become suicidal over being abandoned. It is real, I’ve seen two somatic female Narcs go that route – both survived.
The other direction is to destroy the person who abandoned them (as in the news article). It comes down to the destruction of self or the other person. Someone has to pay, it’s either me or them. Disordered people have limited choices, especially those at the extreme end of disorders of Narcissism, and Sociopathy. Psychopaths, it is my understanding, would not suffer an Abandonment Trauma Event like say a Malignant Narcissist would. A Psychopath will kill you, because they want to kill you (no excuse needed to motivate them).
Learn the Red Flags to watch out for. If you don’t become involved with a Disordered individual, then you cannot abandon them. You become a non-issue to them, as they have a number of targets lined up to become potential sources of Narcissistic supply for example.
Click on this line to read the NY Post article about this event. The Mail Online article has more detail and photos – see the link further up in this post.
There are many Red Flags given off by Narcissists. Love Bombing for one. Mirroring is a big one, which I tend to consistently harp on about.
There are a couple of key things which the Narcissist will not hide from you. One is in my opinion the “most important Red Flag“. Ask the potential Narcissist about their childhood. Were they brought up by their Birth Mother? If they were still an infant and they were adopted out or given to other family members (say Grand Parents) to be brought up, that is the “most important & biggest Red Flag“.
To better confirm that Red Flag, ask questions about the person’s Birth Mother? If there is any animosity or even outright hatred shown towards their Birth Mother, that is “yet another major Red Flag” which also confirms your perception of the biggest Red Flag.
It is my opinion that Narcissists are created due to Abandonment Trauma(s) suffered while still an infant, before the left hemisphere of the brain is developed. The Trauma(s) change how the Brain Develops – ie it’s a Hardware-Wiring issue and so Narcissists can not be changed via a treatment protocol. MRI Brain Scans seem to confirm “my opinion”.
Joseph Burgo, in a radio interview, alluded to the coincidence that many diagnosed Narcissists had been abandoned in their early childhood. They were adopted out. They were transferred to other family members (Grandparents) to be cared for.
All the Narcissists who I got to know, had issues with their Mother. Yes the issues varied between a coldness to outright disdain.
Sam Vaknin wrote something confirming this in a review of the book titled “The Abandoned Child Within: On Losing and Regaining Self-Worth “
Sam Vaknin wrote:
“Underneath this colourful maelstrom lies an hypothesis: pathological narcissism is the direct outcome of early childhood abuse and trauma, mainly in the form of abandonment or neglect. Narcissism, in other words, is a defense against hurt and emotional injury.”.
A female Somatic Narc had a pronounced dislike of her Mother. In stark contrast, she and her Dad were fine. Events in the past when one is an infant can have profound affects which can last a lifetime.
A Cerebral Narc would not speak to their Mother when she came in tears because her own Mother had just passed away. The Cerebral Narc’s Grandmother dies and the Narc could not be bothered to come and talk and try to comfort their own Mother. . Would a non Cluster-B Disordered Individual, who has Empathy for the suffering of others behave that way?.
Being brought up by other family members like Grand Parents can cause Abandonment Trauma. To the Grand Parents it’s a burden to “have to” feed, cloth and bring up their daughter’s infant child. They already brought up their own kids.
The distrust of the Birth Mother for being abandoned and sent off to live with strangers (yes they are Grand Parents and an adult understands that but an infant sees themselves being dumped off to some strangers) by the Narc can be life long.
Different people love very differently and sadly some not at all. That description includes Grand Parents. The infant had already lost life’s lottery by being born to a Mother who abandoned them and sent them away to live in another place. Good chance that the Grand Parents were not the kindest and most loving of individuals. So the infant losses again and possibly pays for such loss by developing a Personality Disorder which could prevent them from being able to establish and enjoy “Intimate and Loving” relationships.
Alice Miller has written a post on her site which ties a number of things together. Her post is titled: “The Ignorance or How we produce the Evil”. I’ll have some quotes below, from that Alice Miller post.
Alice Miller wrote :
“Children who are given love, respect, understanding, kindness, and warmth will naturally develop different characteristics from those who experience neglect, contempt, violence or abuse, and never have anyone they can turn to for kindness and affection. Such absence of trust and love is a common denominator in the formative years of all the dictators I have studied. The result is that these children will tend to glorify the violence inflicted upon them and later to take advantage of every possible opportunity to exercise such violence, possibly on a gigantic scale. Children learn by imitation. Their bodies do not learn what we try to instill in them by words but what they have experienced physically. Battered, injured children will learn to batter and injure others; sheltered, respected children will learn to respect and protect those weaker than themselves. Children have nothing else to go on but their own experiences.”
As Alice Miler stated “Children have nothing else to go on but their own experience”. If the infant child experienced Abandonment Trauma they they will not know how to Love someone. They will do to someone else, what had been done to to them. They will use them and abandon them.
Alice Miller also wrote :
“The well-known American pediatrician Dr. Brazelton once filmed a group of mothers holding and feeding their babies, each in her own particular way. More than 20 years later he repeated the experiment with the women those babies had grown into and who now had babies themselves. Astoundingly, they all held their babies in exactly the same way as they had been held by their mothers, although of course they had no conscious memories from those early years. One of the things Braselton proved with this experiment was that we are influenced in our behavior by our unconscious memories. And those memories can be life affirming and affectionate or traumatic and destructive.”
It is my opinion, that It is not the Narcissist’s fault for developing such a Personality Disorder. It is up to you whether you want to get involved, in any kind of a relationship, with a Personality Disordered individual.
So recapping the two biggest and in my opinion most important Red Flags of a Narcissist. If you learn that the person was not raised by their Birth Mother that is IMHO the most important and biggest of all the Red Flags. Major issues with their Birth Mother is another confirming major Red Flag.
The more Red Flags that you can spot, the higher the probability that you are interacting with a Personality Disordered Individual.
Watch for the Red Flags.
A Narcissist looks deeply into your eyes and softly says that when they look at you they see their “Soul Mate“. Your heart rate increases. Your face starts to flush. Your Fight or Flight response shuts down. You become enamored. Your judgements becomes clouded. You believe the Narcissist and feel oh so wonderful having found “Your Soul Mate“.
A variant of the above is having the Narcissist take you aside (they would not want other potential Targets to hear) to inform you that they feel that the both of you are “Kindred Spirits“.
Not so fast. Heck you hardly know each other. It could be a Red Flag called Love Bombing, which is a tactic commonly used by Cluster-B Disordered individuals such as Narcissists.
Generally you get such “Bullshit” lines when the Narcissist wants something, which they believe that they can con you into “giving to them”.
It could be something physical, like maybe providing a roof over their head when they move into your “Home”. Narcissists are rather good at planning ahead, “for themselves”.
It could be that you are wealthy and the Narcissist feels that it would only be proper if a “Soul Mate” shared their wealth with another “Soul Mate”.
It could be that you are rather Handsome or Beautiful. The Narcissist would feel so proud parading you around on their arm. The Trophy Wife syndrome.
Maybe you are extremely popular and or famous. In such a case the Narcissist will happily tag along to all those special events that you get invited to. That helps to keep their fragile Ego well inflated.
It could be that they are having a bad month. Their last source of Narcissistic Supply finally got fed up and went No Contact. The Narcissist needs Narcissistic Supply, not unlike a Drug Addict needing their fix.
You may not be rich or beautiful or famous. You’re just a normal average human being, who has an internal desire to be find someone to love and to be loved back. As such, to the narcissist you are nothing special.
A Cerebral Narcissist, for example, would not give you a second thought because to them you just are not good enough and so unworthy of becoming their Source of Narcissistic Supply. Unless they are down on their Source of Narcissistic Supply. In such a case they will gladly “use” anyone. Heck when they find a way better Source of Supply, they can unceremoniously dump you. For now they open their bag of tricks and start with the Love Bombing.
Are you still glad the Narcissist told you that they see you as their “Soul Mate” or that you both are “Kindred Spirits“?
Google’s Search Engine is your friend. Do some searches for “Support for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse” and variations of that. You will find many Yahoo Groups, websites and Facebook Groups filled with individuals who in their past, had been used and abused by one or more Narcissists. Visit those groups and ask the prior victims whether they still feel that the Narcissist was ever their “Soul Mate“.
When someone whom you barely know (it could be a co-worker or someone that you met in a bar) starts talking about you and them being “Soul Mates” or being “Kindred Spirits“, take a deep breath. Such talk could very well be an indication that you are dealing with a personality disordered individual.
Been there and heard that. If the nonsense talk of “Soul Mates or Kindred Spirits” comes up, I remain polite. If it happens on a first date, I still try to have a fun evening. When I take my date home, I decline her offer to come in for a night cap drink. A night cap invite, is really an invite to spend the night,
Yes, becoming intimate with pretty much a stranger can be enjoyable. It could also emotionally trap you in the land of regrets. If someone is that easy and eager to get into bed with you, then they could be just as easy and eager to get into bed with someone else (or anyone else for that matter). Of course your mileage may differ. On my way home, I make a mental note to have as little as possible to do with that person again.
Have I ever considered that the “Soul Mates” “Kindred Spirits” nonsense was the real deal? Look, when you barely know someone, they do not know you. The only thing that they have any knowledge of, is how you look physically. But it is what is inside that counts. They have “not” spent enough time with you, to discover “you”. In my opinion, they are only feeding you a line to hook you. I step back and ask myself why would someone do that?
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I want to stay away from promoting “any” Religious Belief System on this site. This post should not be taken as trying to promote any particular belief system.
I was looking around the internet for posts about the “Soul Mate” line that Narcissist use, while trying to hook a new Target. Google found an interesting post. It is on a website which discusses certain religious beliefs. The post has little to nothing in the way of promoting their belief system. I think that it may be an interesting read for those who cross paths with a Religious Narcissist.
One thing that I disagree with in that post is their use of the label Spiritual Narcissist. Being Spiritual, in my opinion cannot be applied to Narcissists. Of course, you may disagree with me. That is why I am using the label Religious Narcissist.
In the past I had known a couple of Narcissists with a religious bent. One felt that their.way was the only way and would badger the hell out of you, if you let them. They always made sure that they were the life of any party. That was until more than a few drinks loosened their tongue and their self control. They could (and would) consume a lot of liquor. Then they would start preaching about religion. They were one with God and God help you if you said anything to the contrary. Their preaching would burst the party balloon.
Another was a Somatic Narcissist who liked to quote and post Bible verses. Specific verses were applied to themselves to make them look oh so kind, loving and pious. Funny how they could swing both ways, yet any Bible verses remotely against bisexuality (which was against the rules of their belief system) was never mentioned. Their constant self promotion of being a nice, loving, caring, understanding and Religious Person, could get people to lower their defenses. I would not characterize that individual as having any of those traits. It is that Somatic Narcissist who very closely resembles the Narcissistic ways discussed in the post found on that other website.
Essentially that post discusses 5 Red Flags which one could watch for when dealing with a Religious Narcissist. I found it an interesting read and so wanted to share it here.
This video gives one an insight into the behaviour, thinking and traits of a Narcissist. I love the line in the video where she states “I think you are my Soul Mate“. That line, and variations of it, is a Narcissist favorite to use during the Love Bombing phase.
BTW, once you have been “primed” by a Narcissist, other Narcissists are able to pick you out of a crowd (see this prior post about a really informative lecture from Christine De Canonville).
Narcissist Suzie gets a new victim.
Video is courtesy of the begood4000 YouTube channel
Being in a relationship with a Narcissist once is your life, is in my opinion one time too many.
This video presentation is from the heart by someone who sadly has been there and done that.
How to spot a narcissist next time round before it’s too late.
Quote below is from what was posted with the video on the Daylight out of Darkness YouTube channel :
So I’m not going to give you a list of things to look out for because I actually believe that doesn’t help at all.
I think the most important thing to do is start paying attention to your own feelings inside while you are with that person. to make sure that you are meeting your own needs first. to pay attention to how you feel in the company of this person and I’m not talking about the in love feeling. how much you enjoy all the other interactions with this person and how this person reacts when you are meeting you are needs first on an ongoing basis. also picked up on the energy this person is emitting and how it is influencing you.
On some occasions it’s going to take you a while to realize someone is narcissistic or dysfunctional, but you will notice it after a short while if you are paying attention to your own needs and feelings, and then you can move on with grace.
The more healed you are inside as far as your emotional wounds the less your chances of actually ending up in a serious relationship with a narcissist. that’s why focusing on yourself is the most important criteria when it comes to narcissists and abuse.
Unfortunately the narcissist is like water he just molds to whatever receptacle he is poured into so sometimes it’s near impossible to pick up his narcissism from a checklist.
You are going to have to rely on your internal gauge. I believe this is the most important tool to living a healthy happy life and staying away from these dysfunctional characters. Link below to Daylight out of Darkness, “Shop Front”:
Posted to https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com/
Permission was granted via a Creative Commons License to include the long Quote above into this post.
This video discusses “Lack of Object Constancy” which is another Trait and Red Flag of a Narcissist to watch for.
Video is courtesy of the Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome YouTube channel
The video below is posted by someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. She discusses a therapy session about Lack of Object Constancy. What she mentions, also applies to Narcissists. Note that she is actively seeking treatment via Therapy Sessions, which is something a Narcissist would rarely (if ever) do.
Video is courtesy of The Borderline Life YouTube channel
Posted to uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com
The above material is for Education Purposes. It includes a rather tiny portion of the article which was posted by The Ohio State University and as such is covered by the Fair Use provision of copyright. BTW they also have share links posted for this article. A complete Link is also provided above, to the Source article.
Video is courtesy of the DNews YouTube channel
A concise explanation of the power of using Mirroring and Matching. Narcissists are well versed in Mirroring and Matching. They use it all the time when Targeting someone.
Mirroring and Matching works, because the majority of people are consciously unaware of it. When you actively look for this major Red Flag and spot it’s use, you make it powerless.
It could be a danger signal, if you catch someone new persistently using Mirroring and Matching while interacting with you. In such a case, look for other Red Flags such as Love Bombing.
If you consistently spot multiple Red Flags, when with a particular person, then ask yourself why would they be using powerful Psychological Manipulation Techniques against you?
Learn about the Red Flags of Narcissists and then watch for them. Many websites discuss them. Many YouTube videos discuss them. Google is your friend, just do some Google searches…
Video is courtesy of the hypnosistoronto YouTube channel
Lisa E. Scott discusses 6 Red Flags one should look for, to see if the person that you are interested in is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Video is courtesy of the It’s All About Him YouTube channel
Video is courtesy of the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors YouTube channel