Tagged: Red Flags

The results of the Rat Park Experiment, could apply to Victims of Relationship Abuse

Updated yet again on Apr 28 2017.

 

Stockholm Syndrome (Trauma Bonding) is said to keep those being abused, in the abusive relationship. They cannot leave their abuser.

I am posting this because I believe there is something to learn from the Rat Cage / Rat Park experiments.

I believe that victims of relationship abuse are stuck in the equivalent of an empty Rat Cage. They feel alone and not connected to anyone who cares about them. They may have been isolated from Family and Friends by physically moving to a different city. Abusers instinctively seem to know that if they can isolate someone, then they can control them and physically or mentally abuse them without outside interference. Again without a support structure, the victim is alone as in the isolated Rat Cage.

The drug in this scenario is the Abuser. Just as Rats isolated in a Rat Cage became addicted, so do the Abuse Victims. If the Victim does leave, then they could suffer from PTSD or worse. They will constantly think about the Abuser and often return to their Abuser, even after horrific physical abuse. In my opinion, this is highly similar to addiction.

Further proof of this concept comes from the same Rat Cage / Rat Park experiment. When the isolated and heavily addicted rats are moved out of an isolated environment into a Rat Park with lots of other rats and lots of stimulating things to do and play with, they lose their addiction.

Going further, Victims of abuse need to move into a Rat Park environment. They need to be among people who care. Friends and family who will morally support them. They need to also have fun. Being abused is “NOT FUN”. I suspect that once the victim is moved into a Rat Park type environment, then their addiction to the abuser could dissipate without symptoms of PTSD etc.

That brings up the lack of such a Rat Park environment for Abuse Victims. They should be surrounded by people who care, people who will try to help them. People who will talk to them. One common theme from Victims going thru forms of Therapy is that they cry their eyes out during the therapy sessions. They have no one to talk to. They feel that no one cares. Like the Rats in the isolated Rat cage. The Rats become addicted to the point of destroying themselves. Victims become addicted to their Abuser. For many victims this addiction destroys them. In my opinion, the Rat Park experiment shows the need to create a Human equivalent of a Rat Park for Victims of Abuse, so that victims can end their “Addiction” to their Abuser.

We have Women’s Shelters filled with women seeking help but percentage wise rather few “Helpers”. We have Therapy, which costs money that the abuse Victim may not have. No money, equals No Help. We have Public Housing, but with long waiting lists. We have legal aid for people convicted of a crime, but Victims of Relationship Abuse may not “qualify”. Society has a disorienting and disconnected patchwork of supposed help and so Victims cannot get away. It may not just be Trauma Bonding which is holding them back. As a society, we do not have an all inclusive support system,  like a Rat Park human equivalent environment,  to help Abuse Victims if they want to leave their Abuser, Heal and Recover. So they remain “stuck” in Abusive Relationships.

I have received email comments suggesting that it may be the Victim’s lack of confidence to express their feeling that could be at fault. A Victim’s typical inability to establish and enforce clear boundaries is in my opinion, a Learned Survival Mechanism. During early childhood, we learn how to survive in our home environment. Some kids are lucky and are born into loving and caring families. Other kids are not so lucky and have to adapt and learn behaviors to survive. That applies to Disordered Individuals also. One’s early childhood helps to form the future Adult. The work of the late Alice Miller readily comes to mind. I have referred to Abysmal Parenting or the lack of Parenting as being the primary cause of adult dysfunction. Many a Narcissist was not raised by their Birth Mother for example. On the other hand, when a Victim is physically being beaten Black and Blue, IMHO clearly the Abuser is at fault and “not” the Victim.

Video is courtesy of the Alice Miller YouTube channel

There was a video posted here of an English couple. The Husband gave his wife a couple of black eyes one night. The Police showed up and his attitude was as if nothing wrong happened. He called out to his wife and asked if she wanted to speak to the Police. Thankfully the Police had body video recorders running.

I have a friend who was isolated to a different country by a very Disordered Individual. Once isolated, the abuse became physical. One time she was beaten so badly that she ended up being hospitalized for months.  It was not her inability to speak up for herself that is to blame. If you start to speak up for yourself to a very disordered individual, you could very well be beaten Black and Blue. IMHO the Abuser is at fault and they are totally responsible for their behavior. View the video in the link shown above. Getting two black eyes was not the Victim’s fault.

I believe that when one learns about the Red Flags and if one starts to see multiple Red Flags on a consistent basis then one is able to get a better idea of who one is interacting with. It has nothing to do with putting labels on people before they do anything wrong. If one does not take heed of those Red Flags and falls prey to an Abuser, then it’s too late. Yes, people are out there who abuse other people. Yes, there are people with Codependent Traits and lots of Empathy, who seem to be attracted to those who abuse. Those who will abuse others also seem to be rather attracted to those who have lots of Empathy and Codependent traits. People call someone an Abuser after they have abused someone. It is not a matter of innocent until proven guilty. They get called that label because they have abused their victim. All abuse is bad, but some abuse is horrific.

I’m posting this for everyone to think about it. The videos below give more details about Dr. Bruce Alexander and his Rat Park experiment. BTW that Rat Park experiment has been repeated many times, with the same results. So it has been scientifically proven.

Video is courtesy of the MinuteVideos YouTUbe channel

Video is courtesy of the Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell YouTube channel

Video is courtesy of The Agenda with Steve Paikin YouTube channel

How to treat someone who treats you badly

Ran across this post on the Experience Project site.

Click on this Link to visit the Experience Project to the read the post titled: “How To Treat A Guy That Treats You Bad.

See if you can pick up on some of the Narcissist’s Red Flags in that post. Things like Love Bombing, Blame Shifting and not taking responsibility for their actions (it’s always your fault).

Husband kills family, then self

The female had called police about a verbal argument with her husband saying that she had feared for her life. The Police came to the home, but the husband was no longer there. The police informed her about getting a Protection From Abuse Order. She indicated that she would do so, but never followed through. Trauma Bonding messes up the logical thinking of the abused victim.

If the Police are suggesting to get a Protection From Abuse Order, then do it. The husband apparently purchased a legal handgun the following day.

Abusive and Disordered people fear abandonment. Some fear abandonment more than they fear death. The abuse is to keep the victim in line and under control.

The Disordered Individual cannot handle losing control. One solution is to eliminate the problem. Because Narcissists know right from wrong (unlike with Psychopaths where right or wrong do not exist) they will realize that they just murdered their family. The embarrassment of going to trial and media attention would be too great for their fragile Ego to handle. So they kill themselves.

If you are in an abusive relationship and considering leaving, please contact your local Law Enforcement. They can also inform you of other assistance available to you – like Battered Women’s Shelters. Listen to the Police and follow through by getting any suggested Court Orders. By getting Law Enforcement to visit the family home, a Disordered Individual such as an abusive Narcissist could reconsider escalating the violence, since it has now been made public. It anything goes to Court, a Police Officer’s testimony will trump a Narcissist’s great sounding BS.

The video below is a Heads Up that Disordered Individuals can damage way more than your emotional well being. They can literally destroy you and possibly your children. Learning about the Red Flags to watch for is so very important. Better to walk away when multiple Red Flags are displayed, than becoming involved with a Disordered Individuals and later getting emotionally and or physicically abused or even killed.

Video is courtesy of the Inside Edition YouTube channel

When you leave an abusive relationship, you enter into the world of Abuse Recovery. It will take time and it can be painful.

A first person account of going through Abuse Recovery. It will not be easy. Nor will it be any fun.

One key point from this video is that by hanging in there, you can reach the light at the end of that dark tunnel.

I believe that a lot of people need to view this video, to help them to understand the insanity which they had lived through. It’s also important to hear that you were not the only one who was targeted, used and abused by a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath. It helps to listen to the Red Flags mentioned, which were found in the presenter’s Toxic Relationship

Videos like this one, take guts to make public. IMHO, videos like this one are Extremely Important.

Video is courtesy of the Angel Speaks YouTube channel

Cluster-B Disordered Individuals mess up many loving and caring people. This IMHO is the fault of the Educational Systems. Just as there are Sex Education classes, there should also be training about the Red Flags displayed by Cluster-B Disordered Individuals. Have videos such as this one, shown to every High School, College and University graduating group.

A friend ended up in a Hospital for months after the Malignant Narcissist that she had married, went into a rage. No one ever taught her about the Red Flags to look for. She married and was isolated from friends and family, by moving to another country. Becoming isolated and totally dependent on a Cluster-B Disordered individual opens the door to major physical abuse. All my friend had to talk to were the Flying Monkeys, that is the Malignant Narc’s family. She learned about the Red Flags, after major damage was done.

Red Flags: How to Identify a Psychopathic Bond

The most important self-defense against psychopathic seducers consists of recognizing the initial warning signals so that you can escape the relationship early on, hopefully before you’re seriously…

Source: Red Flags: How to Identify a Psychopathic Bond

This post is courtesy of psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com. Please visit their extremely informative site by clicking on this line.

Red Flags of Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Jeni Mawter

Usage tip. When the slides below start to display and if you have a mouse with a center wheel on the top of the mouse, place your cursor onto the displayed slide. Now turn that center wheel and you can scroll back and forth thru the slides, using the center wheel. I find it easier to do that, than to use the arrows just below the slide display.

 

Click on this link to visit the website run by Jeni Mawter

When you start to see multiple Red Flags displayed by someone new, believe them. Those Red Flags are trying to show you who that person really is.

Quote "When you start to see multiple Red Flags displayed by someone new, believe them. Those Red Flags are trying to show you who that person really is." by uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Quote:When you start to see multiple Red Flags displayed by someone new, believe them. Those Red Flags are trying to show you who that person really is.

 

The above framed quote is actually a photo – JPG file.
Copyright 2016 https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com
Feel free to share under Creative Common License Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International

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Disordered Individuals are Proficient Liars.

Quote "Disordered individuals ae Proficient Liars. Seeing Multiple Red Flags may give you some insight, if you are interacting with a portentially Disordered Individual." uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com

Quote:Disordered Individuals are Proficient Liars. Seeing Multiple Red Flags may give you some insight, if you are interacting with a potentially Disordered Individual.

 

The above framed quote is actually a photo – JPG file.
Copyright 2016 https://uniquelynarcissistic.wordpress.com
Feel free to share under Creative Common License Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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After they Isolate you, then they can start the Physical Abuse

Click on this Link to visit the Healthy Place website to read their post titled “Isolation and Domestic Abuse: How Abusers Isolate Victims“.

The most striking thing about Physical Abuse is that victims were first “Isolated”.They moved out of New York City to some small town. They moved to a remote cottage. They married and lived in another part of the country, away from the Victim’s family and Friends. The Victim was emotionally restrained from going away to visit with Friends and Family. The Victim’s Father was dying in the Hospital and yet the Abuser would not let the Victim leave to be with her Father.

Abusers cannot control a Victim from a distance. Abusers maintain their power and control over the Victim, by enforcing the Victim’s silence. If the Victim visits their family, they might speak of the horrors being done to the Victim. Once the abuse is out in the open, the Abuser starts to lose much of the power and control over their Victim.

The abuser will present tons of semi logical excuses for moving the Victim away from their Family and Friends. They will start a new life together…BS…more BS…some more BS….and even more BS.

When the Victim has no one else to help her, she becomes totally dependent on the Abuser. To make the situation worse, the Abuser may become the sole income earner. Rather hard to leave when you have no money.

Isolation is a Major Red Flag. If you do not allow yourself to become isolated, then you will not become dependent on your Lover and potential abuser. Note that the abuse does not start until the victim has been isolated.

Learn about the Red Flags displayed by Disordered Individuals. Then watch for them.

The more Red Flags that you spot, the more questions you should have of the individual displaying those Red Flags.

Why Abuse Victims stayed

When you watch this video, note the Red Flags (like Love Bombing and Isolating the Victim and making the Victim dependent on the Abuser) which appeared “prior” to the physical abuse starting.

This video features Leslie Morgan Steiner, Beverly Gooden, Kit Gruelle, Mildred Muhammad who were Victims of Physical Abuse. They address why they had stayed in the Abusive Relationship. Kudos to these Brave Women for sharing their stories.

Video is courtesy of the Markay Media YouTube channel

Learn about and then watch for the Red Flags displayed by Disordered Individuals. The more Red Flags displayed, the more questions you should be asking about the individual displaying those Red Flags.

Click on this Link to visit the Why We Stayed Twitter page.

Click on this line to visit the Kit Gruelle website.

Click on this line to visit the Mildred Muhammad website.

Click on this line to visit the Beverly Gooden website

Click on this line to visit the Leslie Morgan Steiner Facebook page

3 missing women had met the same man online

Associated Press posted about this on Jun 25.

Click on this Link to visit the Associated Press website to read their post titled: “Arizona authorities say 3 missing women met same man online

The latest woman to disappear introduced the male to her daughter, who immediately disliked him. The Daughter begged her Mom not to leave with the guy. (suggestion – don’t beg – call the Police)  Mom did not listen and has since “disappeared”. Two other women had previously apparently “disappeared”, after becoming involved with this guy

Interesting that the woman sold her home and closed her bank accounts. That means she was carrying a heck of a lot of cash. Why would your new lover want you to do this?

When the police finally figured out who the last woman had met, they found him living with another woman.

Key points that in my opinion are interesting.

Woman sells her home and closes all her bank accounts. I assume that she bought the RV and set to travel with this guy she met online. When you leave your friends and family you lose your support structure. With no support you are at the total mercy of the person who talked you into leaving everyone. This is a Red Flag – and  a Major One.

Seems that the woman was financing the whole thing. The guy contributed the idea to get her to leave her family and friends. Do not allow yourself to become isolated.

This is a major financial risk and venture. Talk to the Police and hire a Private Investigator to check out your new Love Interest. When the Police caught this guy, he had multiple fake IDs on him. Finger Prints proved that he was the guy that the Mother had left with.

It does not state that her daughter knew about the closing out the bank account. If it were my Mother in such a crazy situation, I would have called the Police and had hired a Private Detective to check this guy out. I would have embarrassed the hell out of the guy and gotten him and my Mother to visit the Police Station together with me. The Police can do some quick checks right away, but a complete check would take time. Mind you guy was finally caught by the Police with multiple Fake ID.

Here’s an idea, force the guy to get finger printed. Too bad if he gets pissed off. Better he gets pissed off, than having my Mother disappear after leaving with some guy she recently met on an internet dating site. It takes lots of time to get to know who you are with. Sometimes after decades people suddenly discover who they thought they were living with was just a fake persona. Disordered people have to move quickly to isolate their target, before their mask slips too much and more people realize how screwed up they are.

Also make sure to get lots of photographs of the guy and your Mother (using this case as an example). Get him to remove any hats or other head gear (motorcycle helmet for ex). Put the photos and finger prints into a Bank Safety Deposit Box so they can’t mysteriously disappear like the Mother had.

There is no valid reason to close one’s bank account, especially after having sold her house. Hint – another Red Flag. You want access to money, get an American Express Gold card and other companies offer similar things. That leaves signatures and witnesses. Leave very large amounts of money in a Bank or even in a bank Safety Deposit Box. It amazes me that the Mother got suckered into doing that. Bet ya the guy in this scenario contributed “not one dime”.

Another Red Flag is that when family members and friends show a distinct dislike for your new lover. That was mentioned in prior post about a TedX Talks video given by Alexandra Redcay. titled “Tips on selecting the Right Relationship by Alexandra Redcay“.

I’ve posted this line a few times “Just because someone smiles at you, does not mean that they are your friend“.

Here is a new variation “Just because someone tells you that they Love you, does not guarantee that they are not secretly planning to make you DISAPPEAR.“. Wake Up people…

How to Deal with Cunning Deceitful Manipulative People

This video introduces a new term “Cunning Deceitful Manipulative People” and how to deal with them at work.  Listening to the video, the author is describing tactics of Narcissists.

The presenter describes effective coping strategies. Start by learning about the Manipulators Tactics. In other words watch for the Red Flags, which are always given off by what the presenter calls Cunning Deceitful Manipulative People.

Don’t fight with them, because you can’t win.

Make sure that you have a social network to help support you. Set boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be talked into moving them.

Run if you can, in other words Go No Contact.

Lots of sound advice from the trenches…

Video is courtesy of the Ammar Mango YouTube channel

Watch for any Red Flags given off by your future Mother-In-Law aka Monster-In-Law

Narcissists display Red Flags. So can your future Mother-In-Law aka Monster-In-Law.

If you have not gotten married yet, then watch for those Red Flags given off by Mother-In-Laws. It’s sound advice given in the video by a female whose marriage was destroyed by her Husband’s Mother.

If the Mother-In-Law shows signs of Narcissism, she may feel that you (being the potential new wife) are competing with her for the affection of her son (err surrogate husband).

Video is courtesy of the fleurbrun YouTube channel

Watch for any Red Flags given off by your future Mother-In-Law aka Monster-In-Law

Narcissists display Red Flags. So can your future Mother-In-Law aka potential future Monster-In-Law.

If you have not gotten married yet, then watch for those Red Flags given off by Mother-In-Laws. It’s sound advice given in the video by a female whose marriage was destroyed by her Husband’s Mother.

If the Mother-In-Law shows signs of Narcissism, she may feel that you (being the potential new wife) are competing with her for the affection of her son (her surrogate husband).

Video is courtesy of the fleurbrun YouTube channel

Tips on selecting the Right Relationship by Alexandra Redcay

Great TEDx Talks presentation from professional counselor, Alexandra Redcay.

Her suggestion included things like:

You must have your friends and family meet your new Love Interest. Then listen to what they have to say. If your friends and family say “RUN”, then trust them.

Pay attention to Red Flags “everyday”.

Video courtesy of the TEDx Talks YouTube channel

Click on this line to visit the Serise Inc website run by Alexandra Redcay

Florida Mass Shooting also has insights for visitors

Click on this line to read the Mail Online news article (UK based News).

Scroll down the article. About 1/2 way down there are four photos of a cute female. One photo is of a female in a white T-Shirt with Give Peace in large red letters (I suspect that was a John Lennon quote “Give Peace a chance”). In that area they are posting about what the shooter’s ex-wife said.

MAJOR Red Flag – his ex-Wife said that they met online and within weeksdecided to get married. It takes month and sometimes years to get to know someone. Within weeks you really have no clue who or what you are going to marry IMHO.

His ex-Wife moved away to live with her new Husband. That to me is another Major  Red Flag. She was being isolated, by being taken to another State far from any possible support from friends and family.

She apparently started to receive Beatings. That Physical Abuse apparently started within months of their wedding. Like I stated above, to decide to marry someone within weeks of meeting them, is plain asking for trouble. IMHO, one has no clue who or what they are going to marry within only a few weeks of the first meeting. Your mileage may differ.

His ex-Wife’s parents learned that she was being physically abused. They flew down to Florida and removed their daughter from where she and her husband were living. They left all her belongings and left. His ex-Wife went total No Contact. Divorce was handled by Lawyers. Her husband apparently tried to make contact. His ex-Wife maintained No Contact.

Major insight. No Contact did what it was supposed to do, in this case it protected the ex-Wife from potential future physical abuse and emotional harm.

His ex-Wife states in the article that she believes that her parents had literally saved her life.

Click on this line to read the Washington Post article about this event. That Washington Post article was referenced by the Mail Online article. It has bits of info, but the Mail Online article presents key insights.

I feel sorry about the loss of life from the Florida Shootings. But I think from the perspective of this website, this is a story within a story. The mail Online article to my mind only, proves how important Red Flags can be. The article also proves in my mind only, how important it is to go No Contact and especially where there was physical abuse, to stay No Contact.

His ex-Wife is lucky, that she had confided in her parents about the apparent Beatings she was receiving. That is another insight from this. One should inform family and friends when there is any kind of physical or emotional abuse. Friends and Family can help. Superb Parental Action to immediately fly down and take there daughter away.

Major Life lesson. Learn about the Red Flags and then watch for them.Seeing multiple Red Flags means something. Knowledge gives one the power to make better choices in life.

Florida Mass Shooting also has insights

Click on this line to read the Mail Online news article (UK based News).

Scroll down the article. About 1/2 way down there are four photos of a cute female. One photo is of a female in a white T-Shirt with Give Peace in large red letters (I suspect that was a John Lennon quote “Give Peace a chance”). In that area they are posting about what the shooter’s ex-wife said.

MAJOR Red Flag – his ex-Wife said that they met online and within weeksdecided to get married. It takes months and sometimes years to get to know someone. Within weeks you really have no clue who or what you are going to marry IMHO.

His ex-Wife moved away to live with her new Husband. That to me is another Major  Red Flag. She was being isolated, by being taken to another State far from any possible support from friends and family.

She apparently started to receive Beatings. That Physical Abuse apparently started within months of their wedding. Like I stated above, to decide to marry someone within weeks of meeting them, is plain asking for trouble. IMHO, one has no clue who or what they are going to marry within only a few weeks of the first meeting. Your mileage may differ.

His ex-Wife’s parents learned that she was being physically abused. They flew down to Florida and removed their daughter from where she and her husband were living. They left all her belongings and left. His ex-Wife went total No Contact. Divorce was handled by Lawyers. Her husband apparently tried to make contact. His ex-Wife maintained No Contact.

Major insight. No Contact did what it was supposed to do, in this case it protected the ex-Wife from potential future physical abuse and emotional harm.

His ex-Wife states in the article that she believes that her parents had literally saved her life.

Click on this line to read the Washington Post article about this event. That Washington Post article was referenced by the Mail Online article. It has bits of info, but the Mail Online article presents key insights.

I feel sorry about the loss of life from the Florida Shootings. But I think from the perspective of this website, this is a story within a story. The mail Online article to my mind only, proves how important Red Flags can be. The article also proves in my mind only, how important it is to go No Contact and especially where there was physical abuse, to stay No Contact.

His ex-Wife is lucky, that she had confided in her parents about the apparent Beatings she was receiving. That is another insight from this. One should inform family and friends when there is any kind of physical or emotional abuse. Friends and Family can help. Superb Parental Action to immediately fly down and take there daughter away.

Major Life lesson. Learn about the Red Flags and then watch for them.Seeing multiple Red Flags means something. Knowledge gives one the power to make better choices in life.

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5 Relationship Red Flags which are not so obvious and so we confuse them with Real Love

There are a few posts on this site which discuss the major Red Flags to watch for. Those are typical and obvious Red Flags, which many have posted about.

This video goes beyond that. Dr. Rose Moten discuss less obvious behavioural Red Flags which could be mistaken as your “other” being Love Struck with you.

Lots of points to learn and keep in mind when starting a new relationship. Behaviour which does not stand out, like Love Bombing or Mirroring, can be easily dismissed. Red Flags should be noted. The more Red Flags found, increases the odds that you could be interacting with a Disordered Individual.

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